hideous thanksgivings

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supervillin
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hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Fri Nov 27, 2015 5:13 pm

i'm watching a lot of videos from people's thanksgivings on facebook and i'm astonished! people packed in tiny houses as tight as they can get them, haha, i would literately be crippled emotionally for life if i had to be at one of these things. anymore than four people over our house is a crowd! if we had more than four i would set up a table, open the front and back doors and tell people to walk in, dont stop walking, make a plate, go out the back door and get in your car and go home.

what some of you are having to experience this thanksgiving and holiday season is HIDEOUS! so glad i have a wife who doesn't make me go to these things! my heart goes out to those of you have to experience this several times a year!
OUCH! :ecstatic:

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby Daisy » Sat Nov 28, 2015 9:00 am

I feel the same way, I'm glad that I don't have to experience that. :)

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby tongue35 » Wed Dec 30, 2015 10:26 pm

I went through it on thanksgiving and Xmas..the older I get the harder they are to deal with.

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Thu Dec 31, 2015 1:56 pm

tongue35- ouch, haha, i was curious to hear your thoughts on the subject, i was guessing you would feel the same way, haha!

i dodged the bullet on thanksgiving, we just had the parents over our home the week of thanksgiving, that way it was over for us and i wouldnt have to go the huge get togethers on thanksgiving day.

christmas though i got more than my share of family time, ouch!

christmas eve my moms birthday we spent a few hours at her home
christmas day went to my dads in the moring (12 people) then my wifes moms (6 people) then my mom visited us, then at night finall got to celebrate alone with my wife.

the hardest part was not being able to rest up the weekend after. it would have been a wonderful time to recharge and relax....but no no no, we spent 3 hours the next day driving to NJ, 4 hours with her dad and family (5 people), then drove back the next day 4 hours in traffic.

this christmas was nightmarish!!!! i wont ever do that much again, and i will never travel the day before christmas eve or the day after christmas ever again!

what was your thanksgiving like? and keep in mind it will be double the fun when you have a partner, haha, i remember the single days of just going to my dads for an hour or so, sleeping and then spending a quite hour or two at my moms, then home!

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby tongue35 » Sat Jan 02, 2016 5:33 pm

My thanksgiving wasn't too bad as I managed to get my nephews to play a board game with me..doing this really helps as it makes socializing secondary

I couldn't do what you did super villain..it's strange because my brother had several back to back family gatherings and he loves it..each gathering may be better with a partner but that positive is quickly turned into a negative as u would have twice the amount of social gatheringsto go to

I have cousins coming to town in a month, they wil be staying at my place for the first 3 days..there are 6 of them, 4 adults and 2 kids..I don't look forward to this at all...it's messed up because this should be fun but it will turn into work...this is why sometimes I see introversion as a disorder

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Sun Jan 03, 2016 1:23 am

yeah, this christmas was rough, i will never travel the day after chirstmas again, just too much to juggle. my wife loves it, so its hard to juggle everyone and the amount. i'm slowly learning to just set up an amount that i will enjoy and forget what everyone else wants. as long as we see all the major family (parents) an hour or so i feel i've met my obligation, haha.

with a partner but that positive is quickly turned into a negative as u would have twice the amount of social gatherings to go to

shit dont forget to add in that EVERYONE'S parents are divorced. so like for me all the get togethers i have to go to my dads and my moms, and then for my wife it is her dads and then her moms, then we somehow have to make time for just my wife and me. so twice as much social gatherings is a low number, more like three times more social stuff to go for

i will pass along this information because i feel someone here might get some value from it. and it is a big thing to say at least to me. this is what i felt on christmas day driving back from NJ stuck in traffic for four hours after four nonstop days of christmas socializing. "if you say no and dont do things you dont want to it MIGHT have a very negative effect on your marriage, however, if you say yes and do things you dont want to do it will ABSOLUTELY have a very negative effect on your marriage"

learn from my mistakes, if you cant handle it, if you cant enjoy it, if you really dont want to do it, DO NOT DO IT! your marriage and relationships will last a much longer time, then if you let your resentment destroy them.

I have cousins coming to town in a month, they wil be staying at my place for the first 3 days..there are 6 of them, 4 adults and 2 kids

only positive is they will be at your place, i dont mind gatherings here as much, because i can disappear and take time, just set them up with where the food and tv is and take off into your room or somthing, haha!

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby Daisy » Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:10 am

i've had a cold, though it's miserable, it gave me an excuse to opt out of the celebrations. My husband was happy to stay home too. :tv16:

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby tongue35 » Tue Jan 05, 2016 3:41 pm

Good advice supvillain..there is this strange guilt I feel when I purposefuly avoid family and friends..I have turned down invitations to go see family many times and some will sort of rub it in, not in a negative way but I get what they are saying..I feel that I should want to be around these people more often than I am..

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Thu Jan 07, 2016 2:23 am

there is this strange guilt I feel when I purposefuly avoid family and friends

i understand for sure. i made an agreement with myself. i've spent the first 40 years of my life trying to force myself to be what everyone told me i should be and do. now i'm going to spend the next 40 years of my life being myself to that absolute fullest....just so i can make a unbiased fair judgement about who i should be, HAHA!

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby tongue35 » Sun Jan 10, 2016 10:27 pm

supervillin wrote:
there is this strange guilt I feel when I purposefuly avoid family and friends

i understand for sure. i made an agreement with myself. i've spent the first 40 years of my life trying to force myself to be what everyone told me i should be and do. now i'm going to spend the next 40 years of my life being myself to that absolute fullest....just so i can make a unbiased fair judgement about who i should be, HAHA!


Hmm I understand your reasoning here but if I was to hold tight to my introverted ways, my relationships are going to weaken even more..like last night a friend asked me to go out to a bar..I didn't want to but I keep declining invitations I won't have any friends so I think an introvert has to venture outside his normal pattern occasionally..that's the rub ..extroverts never have to venture outside their usual ways but us introverts have to.in my 37 years that's the conclusion I've come to..

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby llw14 » Mon Jan 11, 2016 6:42 pm

supervillin wrote:
there is this strange guilt I feel when I purposefuly avoid family and friends

i understand for sure. i made an agreement with myself. i've spent the first 40 years of my life trying to force myself to be what everyone told me i should be and do. now i'm going to spend the next 40 years of my life being myself to that absolute fullest....just so i can make a unbiased fair judgement about who i should be, HAHA!

lol, if I was to do this I'll pretty much turn down every single social event for the foreseeable future and as a result destroy not only my marriage but every single personal and professional relationship. My social energy and social drive is near zero since being married but it simply isn't realistic to turn everything down...and I know exactly about that "guilty" feeling.

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Wed Jan 13, 2016 2:20 am

llw14 wrote:
supervillin wrote:
there is this strange guilt I feel when I purposefuly avoid family and friends

i understand for sure. i made an agreement with myself. i've spent the first 40 years of my life trying to force myself to be what everyone told me i should be and do. now i'm going to spend the next 40 years of my life being myself to that absolute fullest....just so i can make a unbiased fair judgement about who i should be, HAHA!

lol, if I was to do this I'll pretty much turn down every single social event for the foreseeable future and as a result destroy not only my marriage but every single personal and professional relationship. My social energy and social drive is near zero since being married but it simply isn't realistic to turn everything down...and I know exactly about that "guilty" feeling.


i wouldnt say i turn everything down, i admit i'm a huge introvert, i dont think i could ever get enough time alone, but i like seeing people and can even enjoy a family or friend get together.

so i wouldnt say that i say no to everything but i definitely work to make a compromise so we can do things and i can actually have a chance to enjoy them. if we make plans to go to a restaurant i try to do it early in the day (so i dont spend the day worrying about it and show up exhausted) i also try to set the time early so there isnt a huge crowd at the restaurant. or just pick a laid back restaurant were i know there isnt going to be a crowd.

if we go to a party i set the amount of time i will be there and make sure we are in and out at the agreed times. we also try to be the first ones there so we can beat most of the crowd and actually have time to see and visit with the people throwing the party.

holidays, i make sure the times are set (usually an our or two max) and if there isnt time the wife and i will have people over our house the week before so if we dont get to see them it isnt a big deal.

i could go on and on, i definitely dont say no to everything, but i sure as hell do not say yes to everything either. i make it very very clear what i will enjoy and what my max is and my wife is very understanding and flexiable and we usually have no problem. but if its just a bullshit get together i have no problem saying HELL NO! haha, you have more control and power than you think. and i would hope everyone would use it and not just give in and let resentment destroy relationships you love.

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby Orientalist » Wed Jan 13, 2016 4:28 am

Just before Christmas I was "invited" to meet the girlfriend's mum and extended family for the first time. This wasn't as bad as it sounds because the nephews and nieces mostly ignored me after saying hello (as kids do) and I liked her mum, who was - thankfully - old enough to be my mum too.

We went upcountry on New Year's Eve and stayed there a week, thereby avoiding the whole New Year thing while having a good time.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby tongue35 » Thu Jan 14, 2016 1:35 am

llw14 wrote:
supervillin wrote:
there is this strange guilt I feel when I purposefuly avoid family and friends

i understand for sure. i made an agreement with myself. i've spent the first 40 years of my life trying to force myself to be what everyone told me i should be and do. now i'm going to spend the next 40 years of my life being myself to that absolute fullest....just so i can make a unbiased fair judgement about who i should be, HAHA!

lol, if I was to do this I'll pretty much turn down every single social event for the foreseeable future and as a result destroy not only my marriage but every single personal and professional relationship. My social energy and social drive is near zero since being married but it simply isn't realistic to turn everything down...and I know exactly about that "guilty" feeling.


It's so difficult navigating around the guilty feeling and conserving energy and maintaining relationships..the last 3 times I went out I forced myself for the sake of the relationship but im starting to question if it's worth it..

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby llw14 » Thu Jan 14, 2016 5:44 pm

supervillin wrote:i could go on and on, i definitely dont say no to everything, but i sure as hell do not say yes to everything either. i make it very very clear what i will enjoy and what my max is and my wife is very understanding and flexiable and we usually have no problem. but if its just a bullshit get together i have no problem saying HELL NO! haha, you have more control and power than you think. and i would hope everyone would use it and not just give in and let resentment destroy relationships you love.

what qualifies as a bullshit get togetherÉ (not sure why my question mark looks like that, lol)

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby tongue35 » Thu Jan 14, 2016 10:14 pm

I think the "bullshit get together" are basically where normal social people simply go to someone's home and sit around and talk..that's my guess and those are extremely hard for me to go to but I find I have to force myself to go to a few here and there..

Supvillain is unique in that has his schedule all mapped out, how long he will stay here or there..I've never found it to be that simple, not close..

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Mon Jan 18, 2016 2:26 pm

what qualifies as a bullshit get together? (not sure why my question mark looks like that, lol)

i do weddings, funerals and major holidays (christmas and thanksgiving) everything else is bullshit, haha!
but seriously those are the four i know i cant get out of. my wifes family gets together every weekend for 5 hours to sit at the dinner table and talk.....thats the kind of bullshit i say no thank you to, but for me if its not a wedding, funeral, christmas or thanksgiving i give my self (and my wife gives me) plenty of flexibility!
I think the "bullshit get together" are basically where normal social people simply go to someone's home and sit around and talk..

you got it!

Supvillain is unique in that has his schedule all mapped out, how long he will stay here or there..I've never found it to be that simple, not close..

its really the only thing i can use to help me get through these events, i know after an hour or two i'm done. its also something that extroverted people can grasp and understand. feeling claustrophobic and overwhelmed by socializing extroverts cant really relate to, but everyone can relate and understand a start and stop time, so it helps to put things in a perspective both extroverts and introverts can understand, and it works like a charm for me....

most events i can do for an hour, some two hours but i know my limits and i dont push them too often, its a good way to have a nervous breakdown to constantly force yourself to do things you dont want to, as well as a good way to resent every one in your life, so it dont go down that road too often. i know my limits and i make them very very very clear!

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby llw14 » Mon Jan 18, 2016 3:47 pm

double post
Last edited by llw14 on Mon Jan 18, 2016 3:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby llw14 » Mon Jan 18, 2016 3:48 pm

supervillin wrote:i do weddings, funerals and major holidays (christmas and thanksgiving) everything else is bullshit, haha!
but seriously those are the four i know i cant get out of. my wifes family gets together every weekend for 5 hours to sit at the dinner table and talk.....thats the kind of bullshit i say no thank you to, but for me if its not a wedding, funeral, christmas or thanksgiving i give my self (and my wife gives me) plenty of flexibility!

Well that means that most of my interactions would qualify as your "bullshit" interactions then, lol. Those are the ones that my wife craves and would be a part of them at least twice a week if it was up to her. Luckily all of her friends have kids and don't have time for that; if not she'd be dragging me kicking and screaming...and I do begin to resent it, even for the little that we do now. Its just that I seem to know pretty early on if I can be friends with someone or not, and if not, the subsequent interactions is just basically small talk for the entire time.

You're lucky to have understanding people around you. My wife would have baby showers, etc. and in the beginning she would always (without asking me first!) try to set up "dates" with the other husbands during the time when the wives are together...and I would be left scrambling to find a tactful way to politely say "I'd rather stay home or do my own thing" without it coming across as you not liking them because the minute you turn down one request, of course it most obviously mean that you don't like them, :fishing: . She has learned not to do this of course, but, she only did in the beginning because its what she would want I suppose.

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Fri Jan 22, 2016 12:37 am

llw14, i will say though, thank god for our wives! otherwise we would probably only see the sunlight once or twice a year, haha!

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby tongue35 » Sat Jan 23, 2016 2:26 am

supervillin wrote:llw14, i will say though, thank god for our wives! otherwise we would probably only see the sunlight once or twice a year, haha!


That's true and something I've noticed..us introverts need an extrovert in our lives to drag us out socially once in awhile..if left to my own free will, I would never go out..I just don't like that I have to force myself to go out and socialize..

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Sat Jan 23, 2016 3:04 am

tongue35, your definitely not alone in that! i work from home and previously only went out about one or two times a week. i really really need someone more out going than me, i still work from home and i love my work but aside from seeing my wife and my friends and family once a month or less, i'm alone. i cant say if that is good for me or not, and i cant say how long i will keep it up. but were having a kid soon and i know personally i want to enjoy this time alone because when i have kids the alone time will be even futher and father between. so it may be unhealthy mentally and sometime physically to spend so much time alone, but i enjoy it and i can see the big picture that my life wont be like this forever and i need to enjoy this time that i have. i hope that can bring you some peace too. our current situations are not our permanent situations....

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby llw14 » Mon Jan 25, 2016 6:15 pm

supervillin wrote:tongue35, your definitely not alone in that! i work from home and previously only went out about one or two times a week. i really really need someone more out going than me, i still work from home and i love my work but aside from seeing my wife and my friends and family once a month or less, i'm alone. i cant say if that is good for me or not, and i cant say how long i will keep it up. but were having a kid soon and i know personally i want to enjoy this time alone because when i have kids the alone time will be even futher and father between. so it may be unhealthy mentally and sometime physically to spend so much time alone, but i enjoy it and i can see the big picture that my life wont be like this forever and i need to enjoy this time that i have. i hope that can bring you some peace too. our current situations are not our permanent situations....

Well I still have to go into an office so I suppose I get my minimum quota of socialising met, lol. I've often wondered what working entirely from home would be like and I think that if that was the case I probably would make more of an effort on my own to get out to do hobby type things to get my socialising in. Funny thing, when I was single I felt I was definitely more balanced in that I somehow subconsciously knew the right amount of socialising that I needed. I never wondered whether I was burnt out or not if I was doing too much or too little. Having a partner changes this as you have to balance your needs with hers. Now I crave alone time so much more, signaling to my brain that I'm probably out of balance.

I've often wondered what the detrimental effects would be if we indulged ourselves in our solitude. Would it be so bad for us? :desert: I mean, if we're craving it so much now, might that be a signal to us that our energy is not in some kind of balance and that the extra alone time is needed to re-balance?

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby tongue35 » Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:09 am

Ehh I don't think end result would be that great if we indulged our need for solitude..I mean, atm I have very little natural need or desire to socialize..when I go out now it's usually not because I'm craving some social time but because it feels off or wrong to not go out for weeks at a time..it's that weird guilt feeling I get and I feel some need to fill my social quota if that makes sense..

I've been wondering lately how much online socializing fills many of our social needs..I mean, the Internet eliminates small talk, if I want to talk about a game show I go this forum, introversion I come here or to reddit..reddit covers many areas for me and it's to the point, I'm not sitting there talking to a friend about work or other small talk..I have several people i email and IM so in reality, im socializing more than I realize, it's just online and not face to face..whether this is healthy I highly doubt it as it drastically and almost completely reduces my desire to call "real life" friends to talk..hmm

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Wed Jan 27, 2016 12:34 am

i make my wife happy and she makes me happy. isnt that all that is required in a good marriage? since when did we go from that to, i need to make my wife happy AND every member of her family and every single one of her friends happy too?! thats what i would really like to know!

first and foremost i make my wife happy and she makes me very happy. if there is free time that i want to be around her friends and family and they are pleasant to be around i'm happy to do it when i'm up for it. which in my case as an introvert will not be often.

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby tongue35 » Wed Jan 27, 2016 7:59 pm

supervillin wrote:i make my wife happy and she makes me happy. isnt that all that is required in a good marriage? since when did we go from that to, i need to make my wife happy AND every member of her family and every single one of her friends happy too?! thats what i would really like to know!

first and foremost i make my wife happy and she makes me very happy. if there is free time that i want to be around her friends and family and they are pleasant to be around i'm happy to do it when i'm up for it. which in my case as an introvert will not be often.


You don't have an obligation to make your wife's family happy or satisfied..when it comes to your wifes friends, it is somewhat important u show a little interest in hanging out with them as that would make your wife happy..

Lol that's the rub, in all honesty when you have free time, how often are you going to choose to socialize with her friends?if you are me, it would basically be never..I find 98% of the time I will favor solitude over social time..

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby llw14 » Thu Jan 28, 2016 4:33 pm

tongue35 wrote: You don't have an obligation to make your wife's family happy or satisfied..when it comes to your wifes friends, it is somewhat important u show a little interest in hanging out with them as that would make your wife happy..

Lol that's the rub, in all honesty when you have free time, how often are you going to choose to socialize with her friends?if you are me, it would basically be never..I find 98% of the time I will favor solitude over social time..

This is definitely true. Socialising and showing interest in the people that are important to your partner is definitely essential in making them happy. It becomes painful when you don't really have anything in common with them and all you do is sit around and have the same small talk conversations all the time and it becomes very tiresome.

All of us here definitely prefers alone time to socialising, but it's like smoking in that its bad for us if we indulge, lol, :gravedigger:

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby llw14 » Thu Jan 28, 2016 4:35 pm

supervillin wrote:i make my wife happy and she makes me happy. isnt that all that is required in a good marriage? since when did we go from that to, i need to make my wife happy AND every member of her family and every single one of her friends happy too?! thats what i would really like to know!

first and foremost i make my wife happy and she makes me very happy. if there is free time that i want to be around her friends and family and they are pleasant to be around i'm happy to do it when i'm up for it. which in my case as an introvert will not be often.

Sounds like your wife isn't too terribly extroverted as she seems to empathise with you. It seems like you have the option of turning down quite a few social engagements. What I want to know is how you can get away with that without her friends thinking that you're an evil person for not wanting to hang out with them all the time.

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Re: hideous thanksgivings

Postby supervillin » Fri Jan 29, 2016 11:12 pm

Lol that's the rub, in all honesty when you have free time, how often are you going to choose to socialize with her friends?if you are me, it would basically be never..I find 98% of the time I will favor solitude over social time..

well if you want to talk about fine details, haha, yeah your right

What I want to know is how you can get away with that without her friends thinking that you're an evil person for not wanting to hang out with them all the time.

i read a quote once that has been a major help in making the decision to just go with my gut and not force myself to do things i dont want to do. the quote is "some people will never love you no matter what you do, and some people will love you no matter what you do, go where there is love"

i agree with this on many levels (as long as you arent breaking the law some way, haha). and i find its true in my life my friends and family and her friends and family who really like and love me accept any time i have to give no matter how small. the ones who are impossible to please werent ever happy even when i made an effort to see them nearly every weekend, i never heard the end of their complaints. why did you come late, why are you leaving early, you need to show up more often.

guess what, i finally realized those assholes are going to complain no matter what i do, so if i'm forcing myself to do this stuff i dont want to do and i'm not happy, and they arent happy why the hell am i doing it! i might as well just do what i want that way at least one of us will be happy!!!! and thats the way it has been ever since and i have noticed the people who always treated me good seem like they are just glad with the time i have to give, and the people who were never satisfied with what i gave them in the past no matter how much arent happy with anything!

so yes, i just have blind faith that i'm doing the right thing by being myself and i believe this quote so much and it has really given me a great insight to introversion and the people around you

"some people will never love you no matter what you do, and some people will love you no matter what you do, go where there is love"


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