How to navigate having a different conversational style/pace than extroverts/most people?

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Limonata
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How to navigate having a different conversational style/pace than extroverts/most people?

Postby Limonata » Sat Nov 07, 2015 3:47 am

Hi there.

So this is something that has come up for me a lot, with different people and with groups of people. I feel like I have a different conversational style/pace than a lot of people. I feel like these difference tend to fall along with the extroversion and introversion spectrum, but I have actually had these struggles with some of my introverted friends.

I am a good listener, and tend to me content to do most of the listening and not a lot of talking in most conversations. However, I find it really difficult/stressful/agitating when I am in a conversation with someone or multiple people who have a very fast-paced conversational style. For me, I need a certain rhythm to a conversation to enjoy it, and to feel like I can participate when I want to. Some people - in fact, two of the people I have had this problem most intensely with identify as introverts - have a kind of conversational style that just feel like bulldozing to me. If I want to say something in a conversation, I need to take quite a bit of time to process, and so I am usually putting it together in my head a while before I say it - and I also find it really difficult to just 'jump in' to a conversation. I always wait for a pause, but that pause doesn't happen, or it happens for a beat and not long enough for me to take advantage of. Or, if it is a group conversation (like a meeting at work) someone else jumps in. I feel like I can't put in my two cents without interrupting someone, and I HATE interrupting people.

The other thing is I HATE being interrupted. And, again, because I process slow, when I do talk, I pause between thought - not even for that long - and people just jump in. And I wasn't finished? How do I deal with that? It stresses me out so much and makes me feel really agitated/anxious. Or people straight up interrupt me in the middle of a sentence and go on for several minutes.

As I said, this issue comes up for me a lot with other introverts as well as extroverts. Does anyone have any tips? Or at least relate?

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MrCawfle
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Re: How to navigate having a different conversational style/pace than extroverts/most people?

Postby MrCawfle » Sat Nov 07, 2015 9:38 pm

I feel ya. Words are so inefficient. I know there's a way we can bypass them. I just haven't found it yet. In the meantime, most people wrap the nugget of their meaning with layers and layers of fluff. My job in a conversation is to find that tiny nugget of truth in a conversation and to respond only to it. *whew!* Quite a task.

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Re: How to navigate having a different conversational style/pace than extroverts/most people?

Postby Orientalist » Mon Nov 09, 2015 5:40 am

I can certainly relate. My partner asks me a question and then talks over my answer. For awhile I was yelling "LET ME FINISH!" at her. I realise now she'll never change, so I've taught myself to ignore it.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

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nicoclone
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Re: How to navigate having a different conversational style/pace than extroverts/most people?

Postby nicoclone » Fri Feb 26, 2016 6:13 am

Introvert always are a good listener. That is one of the advantage of becoming an introvert. You receive more than you give knowledge to people if you guy are talking about intelligent and important stuff ofc. Well, extrovert just cant endure to not talk so they like to interrupt and doesnt even care to realise what they have just done.. well, introvert people like to think of what they want to say rather than extrovert that dont do any brainstroming before talking so extrovert tend to not care about people feeling when they are talking

kburgess247
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Re: How to navigate having a different conversational style/pace than extroverts/most people?

Postby kburgess247 » Wed Mar 23, 2016 10:43 am

Have you noticed that it is mostly women who do this (and men who grew up in female majority households)? I ask because generally in Western society, women are socialized in a way that trains us to be more conversational in general. I've noticed male friends raised by single moms or with a few sisters also end up picking up this training.

From the other side, I can say that I find it just as frustrating to be the one moving the conversation at a quick pace while talking with someone who I feel slows down the flow.

A few things that force me to recognize I'm being rude and not letting others participate:

1. If someone interrupts you mid-sentence keep talking until you're done. I have a friend who does this. At first I found it obnoxious, then I realized I was the one being obnoxious by cutting people off.

2. You may want to add fillers that show there's more to come like "but" or "and" etc before you pause to think.

3. If someone starts on a tangent in your pause and you feel comfortable, disagree with whatever they're saying to force them to listen to your idea and stop assuming they know where you're going.

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Re: How to navigate having a different conversational style/pace than extroverts/most people?

Postby SandWshooter » Wed Mar 23, 2016 5:35 pm

It works out pretty well for me to just roll with it, don't force anything
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