Well, a lot has been happening the past few weeks and I think I finally realized I'm an introvert person. Maybe not quite true, I mean I always knew I was a silent and quite person, most people always told me I was a shy person and I really believed that, I have always believed that being shy and being introverted were the same thing so I didn't mind being called a shy person. But actually just a few weeks ago I realized about this, those two words do not have the same meaning.
Ok, let me start from the begining. I just recently entered to a training in this software company. It is a 7 months training and it happens this is my last month, and it is in this last months that I have been feeling quite uncomfortable with myself, almost like in highschool and I really didn't know why. Also, I had this problem with a friend I made in the training and in my attempts of explaining him that sometimes I need time to myself I actually realized I'm introvert.
At one moment, there was this important person from the USA coming to the company and the girl that manages some aspects of the training at the company was asking for the students that have a good english level to have a small talk with this person, I pretty sure I was going to be chosen, I don't mind to sound arrogant or anything. There are only at must 3 students with a good english level and I'm one of them. And then I found out, that my friend (the friend I later had the problems with) was chosen, I didn't really asked why but he told me. "The girl that manages the training students thinks you are a little shy", and for some reason I got mad. I didn't know why, I have been called shy before and never cared about. But this time was different.
A few weeks later all the students of my group had to had a meeting with one of the managers to see what kinds of programming and that stuff we liked more. A thing I realized it is that I was pretending to be nervous, I don't know why. Maybe because that's how most of people was feeling since it was a meeting with a manager. The thing is that one of the very first things the manager told me was "I see you have been doing good in the training but I guess you are a little shy" and then again I got angry, I just calmly told him "It's just that I don't talk to people I don't have a reason to talk to" He said that it was nothing wrong with that, but then I realized I hadn't actually refused his said about me being shy. After some time of thinking I think I would have said the same thing I told him, I just have been added "I'm not shy. As far as I understand being shy is having fear around new people. I don't feel that way, instead I believe I'm an introvert person"
It was after those two incidents that I started thinking really hard, and started reading about introversion a little more. So yeah, I realized I was an introvert person. Like a real introvert person. I couldn't believe how I couldn't realize this before, I thought about school and I had the luck of having friends that were not so extroverted. And in college I was also lucky in finding friends that were extroverted but somehow didn't mind me being a silent and quiet person. But now everything felt so confusing in this training. In all the training we are being taught of not being afraid of talking, of telling our doubts, of how working in teams. I the begining I was really happy because since I thought I was shy I believed this new environment was the perfect place to get rid of that. But now, now in the past months of this training I feel I didn't make that much progress. I recognize that now I can talk to other people without overthinking to much "Am I going to bother them?"or stuff like that. But then other times (most of times actually) I think "I don't really need to talk to that person" "I don't feel like talking to that person" "Ugh...I feel so tired of being in the same room with the same people all the day".
And finally, those last thoughts are what led me to the problem with that friend I made in the training. I didn't realized, or yeah, maybe I did realized, but didn't care. I was kind of issolating myself, from everyone in my group, even from him. Just a few hours ago we had this conversation to fix the weird situation in which from his point of view I was thinking he was a burden and he didn't wanted that. Even at some point he mentioned he felt like being a stalker, I wanted to tell him he was right but I didn't hahaha Well, I didn't really feel him like a stalker but man we passed a lot time together, and at some point I felt...I don't know...tired. But that didn't mean I wanted him to stop being a potential friend, I mean there were like 12 people in my group and from the small moments of interaction I had with them, I thought that none of them were interesting for me. I even thought that of this now friend of mine, but after knowing him better...yeah, I decided to give it a try in the friendship thing. And well, after some talking he told me why I took so long on asking him, why I started ignoring him. I felt guilt...because it was just a few days before that that I just realized I'm introvert and sometimes I need time for myself....I explained that calmy and I hoped for him to understand. *sigh* To be honest I was expecting an answer like "wow, I didn't know you felt like that sometimes. I guess everything is ok now, and I would like us to still being friends" but no...I did not get any of that. We are somehow ok right now, but for me it is still not ok.
At some point I wanted to tell him "it's really up to you if we keep trying being friends. I mean, I think I already proved that I care for this friendship with just accepting you as a potencial friend, what's even more if I didn't care about it I wouldn't have even bothered to ask you why were you ignoring me, so if after reading my explanation of my weird behaviour and if you think you can handle that then I'll be more than glad to us being friends again" And I'm not saying like being glad in like "yey, he is talking to me again" and saying being glad in like "he actually accepted by weird personality. I'm really happy :D" but no, then again nothing of that happened.
And I actually got hurt after our conversation, at some point he told me "I knew you were quiet and silent. I new you were special, but not this special" I laughed but...somehow I felt hurt. I hadn't heard those kind of comments since highschool..."why are you always so silent?" "why are you shy?" "you have a special personality"
And what got me also angry is that in a part of the conversation I told him "well, I would like to apologize for something. But that's just me. That's my true personality, with 80% of introversion and 20% of acting how other people expect me to be" and he answered "well, I get it. I'm an introvert to but...(insert reasons of why he felt hurt for like the 4th time)" I don't know if what I think of this response is ok or not but this is what I think "I don't believe you are an introvert person. Otherwise you wouldn't be mentioned how bad I made you feel for the 4th time when I already told you it was not my intention and explained you of my rather silent being. You would have already said something to just close this conversation" at that moment I really wanted to take back my offer of being friends again because just like that he dissapeared of my list of person's that have the potencial of being worthed for me.
I have been reading some stuff of how giving the best with an introvert personality. I read some things that said "you should try changing that introversion to be more "liked"" and some that said "being introverted is a good thing". And I really think that being introverted is not a bad a thing, and I actually like it. But in the company were I'm right now I was having conflicted feelings about this, I really thought I needed to change my introverted side. But now I'm reading, trying to find ways of giving what's expected of me withoug being who I am.
Well, as a final note I would like to hear your opinion regarding the conversation with my "friend", since it happened just recently. I don't know, I might be overreacting but...he lost a lot of points with me.
Oh and I would also like know if any of you lnow a good place to share dialy experiencies about introversion, or to make introvert friends ehehehe Or is this place good to post about random daily introvert thoughts? :D
Thanks for reading if you have come this far.
Post here for any topics about introversion in general.
2 posts • Page 1 of 1
Welcome gloomspirit, Accept that you are what you are, don't stress so much about it. Your friend was just being honest, give him a chance. This is a place where you can share your feelings.
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