Concept of Forgiveness

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Kurtis
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Concept of Forgiveness

Postby Kurtis » Tue Jun 17, 2014 10:22 pm

Somebody mentioned the word forgiveness on Facebook, and even my mother mentioned that I don't do well with forgiveness and hold grudges. We were talking about monks at the time for some reason and she mentioned I wouldn't do well as one of those! :D :whistle: Anyway, I got curious and wanted to explore the concept of forgiveness more...

Personally, I have two stages for forgiveness; stage one is where someone messes up fairly big-time and I become extremely irritated, annoyed and seriously thinking about dumping the person from my life. This can be caused when someone is trampling all over my values or dismisses my thoughts or undermines me in every way possible. if that person is able to show me they're sorry and duly wish they're prepared to improve, I'll give them a chance and forgive their past mistakes. Even if I've seen improvement and they mess up again, I'm usually prepared to look the other way (for so long) if I can see they're trying.

If it reaches the stage though where I think we no longer belong in the same social circle and / or I've worn out all my chances with that person, it's time to part ways. I usually become angry or annoyed with that person's mere presence within the vicinity if I'm in this state of mind (which is natural to most people), but I normally think it's time to move on when I reach this stage. I pull the person aside (either in anger or in calm) and I will tell them that we're to part ways, I no longer consider you a friend / family / whatever and I seriously mean it. I then expect that person to get out of my life and stay out, and then it's a case of flushing out any negative emotions that the person in question has given me (including anger, resentment, irritation, etc). Once that's done, I can forgive the person for their past endevours but I can never get close to that person again, the best they'll ever be in most cases is an acquaintance (and that's if I let them get that close). I no longer wish ill-will on that person and I can comfortably move on so by definition I've forgiven them.

In both cases, I find that if I have to forgive them, they get pushed out of my circles bit at a time. If a best-friend were to require it, they would probably become a 'friend' both consciously and subconsciously. If a friend were to require it, they would end up as acquaintances. After that, I don't think I would ever have anything to do with them if I could help it. I certainly wouldn't allow them to get to know me at any level at that point.

One little bit of admiration I've got is for my mother who is very live and let live; she can forgive and forget in literally seconds (or overnight if necessary! :D) She'll turn around and forgive and give numerous chances for fights, scraps, insults and everything else. I usually can't, I need to know the person is learning if I'm to forgive them otherwise I don't consider them worthy of my time. With her method, I find myself wondering 'well why? All you're doing is setting yourself up for it happening over, and over again.'

When it comes to holding grudges, I usually find me feeling very resentful if I'm in a situation where I want to and feel a very strong urge to move on but can't. Classic example I've got is family problems; if I'm at a stage where I've had serious family fights and no-longer feel welcomed (or the house is no longer a home), then I can't forgive because I know full-well it'll be in vain. By my own nature as well, when I've managed to flush out the negativity in my head (like squeezing the water out of a sponge), I find it's very, very easy to go back into resentful mode (and I hate going back into it). In other words, I only usually hold grudges and get annoyed if I'm stuck in a situation I can't change.

What are your thoughts?

Lazuli5000
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Joined: Tue May 27, 2014 12:53 am

Concept of Forgiveness

Postby Lazuli5000 » Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:00 am

The last time I was really mad at someone; my roommate made a comment to me about a girl I had over. It wasn't my girlfriend per-say. Let me say first, this girl is not overweight; no-one could possibly say shes fat, but she is kind of skinny-fat (no muscle mass what so ever). Anyway, the next morning he asks "is she pregant?". And he was serious! He said it looked like her belly was sticking out. Which, he does have a point, but you don't say that. IMO you have to have some gall to make this kind of comment, either that or you're saying it with an intent to hurt someone. I'm so glad she wasn't around when he said this. I was pissed at this roommate for a while, and avoided talking to him, but I never brought it up.

This angered me off for a couple reasons:
1. It's was disrespectful to her, and to me
2. His girlfriend doesn't have a victorias secret model frame either!

I've known him for a while. He is the type of person to be very blunt about everything, and is pretty honest about his own shortcomings as well. It took me a while to get over it. I show no resentment toward him now. We're still friends. My anger is replaced with understanding, but I still remember feeling wronged. I too want to forgive easily; you set yourself free when you forgive.

Lazuli5000
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue May 27, 2014 12:53 am

Concept of Forgiveness

Postby Lazuli5000 » Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:10 am

You're a lot more direct than me Kurtis; I've never pulled someone aside and told them it was over between us lol. I don't get mad at people very often, and when I do it's like I don't want them to know they had the power to make me mad.


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