Here is a little about me to start. I'm 25, female, not the brightest. I feel as though I'm half introverted and half extroverted. I'm extremely scramble brained though I can focus well while reading or doing crafts and projects. I feel urges to be social but they come and go on a whim. I don't build many valuable friendships and I see most people as acquaintances. I often feel like I'm being fake when I'm around someone that is pushy wanting to be friends and i make tons of excuses to stay away from them usually. I worry they truly don't want to be friends, and that they just need a bar buddy or a lunch partner.
I have always jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend my entire life, and they were the people that always knew me best for some reason. It is so easy to open up to someone who I feels loves me. If ever we fought and they didn't like me anymore I would just jump to the next one and I never felt lonely.
What I say next ties into my troubles with my father. I was in a relationship with a man twice my age for 3 years. I liked him enough but it was mostly because he financially took care of me and he knew it as well, so he was often a little rude about how little i was intimate with him. It was a troubling time for me, it wasn't the best scenario, I knew his two children hated me, though the son was more willing to hangout with me because I liked the same kind of music as him at his age. I wasn't a home wrecker, I didn't end a marriage FYI he had been single for a couple years before meeting me. I liked him as a person and i liked being taken care of but i knew i wasn't going to be married to him or be attached to him my whole life. After I left him, I met my husband who is only a few years older than me and have been extremely happy, just still lacking in the family and friends department.
So, now that you can see a little into my head and my past let me get down to my real problems.
I was never ever close to my father, he was always working when i was a child and that never changed as I grew up. He took business trips over seas and I was very used to never seeing him. I did love and respect him though and would have a melt down if my mother was threatening to tell my father if I was in trouble. I remember always feeling my cheeks flush hot when he would yell at me when my mom did pass along that i was in trouble. I never wanted to disappoint this man I never saw.
He ended up taking a job in Saudi Arabia and was gone for years straight. Flash forward to 2014 after I had long moved out of my parents house, they called a family meeting when my dad was in town. My two sisters and I showed up worried, because my family doesn't do those sorts of meetings together like that. They broke it to us that they were getting a divorce and that their marriage had been secretly over for 10 years and that they just put on a happy face until my little sister turned 18 and was able to leave the house. Now being the hot head out of both my sisters I lost it, I took a wild guess why because I've seen it happen in one too many movies (because I've always been the hopeless romantic, boy crazy, reading love novels type and watching rom coms) and it turns out i was right, my father had found someone new over seas and had been cheating on my mother. It took an ugly toll on my family. The women was much younger and Chinese. which is very common over there. Chinese women leave china and go the UAE to find rich white men who are there for work. I feel like i was especially hurt because i always viewed my parents as perfect. I always looked up to my dad even though we weren't close. I feel like it close to home for me because of the situation I had previously been involved in, knowing that my older bf knew i was just there for the money and knowing his kids hated me. I never took my dad for that sort of man. I thought he would want true and lasting love. So i thought less of him and lost respect for him. he swears this lady who hardly speaks English is in love with him and they married after only a year together.
He hasn't moved back to america because his job isn't finished yet but every time he comes to america he refuses to see me because I don't want to meet his new sugar baby wife. What is wrong with me? why cant i just fake a smile and polite conversation? Is that what family is? I don't understand why it bothers me so much i haven't seen my dad in years.
I am close with my mother but we don't talk everyday and i only see her a few times a month even though we live five minutes apart. I'm not a needy person but i cant tell if i am just over thinking my dads behaviour and if normal people think this much into sometime but do nothing?? I have cut ties with my fathers side of the family and rather than talk to them about anything I just quietly fade out of the family and don't feel missed. My dad and his family are EXTREMELY extroverted loud and accepting and problem free. My mothers side is smaller and artsy and id say more judgemental but all very sweet people.
Thank you if you read all of my long post. I am open to any other points of views or opinions. Please help.
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