SO Family Time - The Misunderstandings, The Shame, The Insults

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Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:44 pm

SO Family Time - The Misunderstandings, The Shame, The Insults

Postby Chaoschemist » Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:05 pm

Hello Everyone!

New to the forum. I am an introvert and raised in a family of introverts (mother/brother both introverts). Growing up, lots of alone time, lots of understanding to leave others alone, etc. Grew up in the country with limited people around so even if I wanted to socialize, I couldn't (yay online gaming).

Fast forward to current day. I'm 30 year old woman newly married to someone who is a mix. My husband LOOOOOOVEESS parties. Loves talking. Won't shut up. Won't leave. Talks to people and doesn't even notice if I've disappeared having a panic attack in the bathroom or if his mother is insulting me to the point of tears. When at home, he wants alone time and can't have any sound on in the house (I need music on to drown out the city noise, we live in San Francisco).

My husband is close to his family and we see them usually 3+ times a month, which is exhausting to me. The visits are never short, usually at least 12 hours of continuous conversation. His mother does not like me and when its only the 4 (his parents + us), she likes to sit me down and tell me how my husbands behavior x (Example: My husband works too much, this must be my fault because I'm not bringing in as much income or I must be miserable to be around at home) is all my fault or how fat I am or how she doesn't like my hair or whatever insult she wishes to hurl at me that day. I've told my husband about these less than nice conversations and he sometimes speaks with her about how he works long hours because he likes his job, not because I'm doing something wrong. So to say the least, my MIL & I don't have the best relationship, which puts strain on my marriage.

I just graduated with my masters degree, not a new job and found us a new apartment to rent. His mother wanted to throw a party of me (ugh) and after much pestering, I complied. (Which I don't understand WHY she even wants to have a party for me in the first place, since its obvious she's not happy we are married.) I misunderstood a question from a guest that kept asking what I did at work and answered with more technical speech. Apparently, it came off as rude.

On the car ride home, my husband scolded me for the mistake and kept iterating that I need to learn how to speak to non scientist better (I'm a chemist). Since then, he has been speaking to me either in polite tones or scornful.

Our new apartment is further away from his family (by 20 mins) and when I asked him if he was OK with this increased distance, he snapped at me about how I must be happier about it because we won't be able to go to every BBQ.

I'm just feeling so hurt right now. I know I'm not the best at socializing and I am trying to work on it (anyone have any book recommendations??). Does anyone else get shammed for messing up during a conversation? Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with 1. The constant family visits, 2. Not letting my MIL walk all over me without being a bitch, 3. How to deal with the shamed/scorned feelings?

I've been working on social situations with friends, whom are less forgiving when I say something dumb and are usually limited to 4 hours and those have been going well overall.... but the family stuff is taking a toll.

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Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2017 3:10 pm

Re: SO Family Time - The Misunderstandings, The Shame, The Insults

Postby lostmyshadow » Mon Aug 14, 2017 4:05 pm

I think that a truly good conversationalist would realize that as a chemist, you're probably used to speaking in technical terms with your chemist friends and colleagues. And he/she would deal with it by asking for a more simple answer, maybe even make a joke of it rather than getting offended. IMO it sounds like that person is insecure about his/her own intelligence and got upset when he/she didn't understand what you said. So for dealing with shamed/scorned feelings, just remind yourself that sometimes it's not you saying or doing anything wrong. Personalities sometimes clash. And everyone makes mistakes. Even extraverts sometimes misunderstand each other and piss each other off.

I don't have advice about the constant family visits. I'm dealing with that problem myself. Lately, my SO has started standing up for me more and is too annoyed with his family to bother visiting them because of the way they talk about me behind my back. So we're both avoiding them right now. I think the family visit problem is something for you and your husband to work out. Does he expect you to always accompany him? Has he explicitly told his mother that it's not okay for her to insult you? I think it's odd that he expects you to enjoy parties where his mother insults you to your face. IMO the problems will continue until/unless you and your husband find a way to compromise.

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