I cant feel myself loved...

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Xsolrac
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I cant feel myself loved...

Postby Xsolrac » Mon May 30, 2016 4:56 am

As the title says, I cannot feel myself loved. Even though I have a lot of friends that I know that they do love me and appreciate me (I guess...)* and make me feel nice in the moments I am with them, whenever I find myself alone and immersed on my thoughts or just being alone, I cannot help but feel like i am all alone, that nobody loves me, and that I dont matter to anyone. I have always copped with this feeling but I am sick of feeling like this, so pitable and empty and alone.

Though I almost never go and speak about the things I feel to anyone I do have the confidence to sometimes speak up something that are bothering me or the like (I do know how to open up when necessary).
I do consider my friendships (those that apply) profund and well established friendships.
If it matters I am an ISTJ and a bit of an ISFJ (A balance between thw two actually).

The point being, is it normal to feel like this? Is the problem within me? And why do I feel like this? What can I do about it?

Thank you for your help.


*Based on the behaviour of these friends with me (hugging me, relying on me, asking for my advice or just to be a listening ear, taking photos with me, asking for my company, or in some cases straight up telling me they love me (non romantically of course) etc...)I infer that they do love me.

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Orientalist
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Re: I cant feel myself loved...

Postby Orientalist » Tue May 31, 2016 3:48 am

Hi Xsolrac. The problem seems to be that you don't love yourself, so you desperately need to feel love from others. This is common with people who have low self-esteem. The root cause may be lack of parental love and/or a lot of criticism when young.

You don't mention parents or family at all in your post! This is where we normally expect to receive unconditional love throughout our lives. Friends are a bit different. Friendships are usually based on shared interests, and when those interests diverge, the friendship fades. Don't rely on friends for love, because you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment in the future. Be realistic about friendships. You seem to have a group of friends who like you a lot and are there for you, so enjoy them while you can but don't rely on them solely for your happiness.

My advice is to read one or two of the many books on how to love yourself and see if you can pinpoint the reason this low self-esteem started. Didn't you have love from your parents? Did you lose someone who loved you? Was a loving relationship betrayed in some way? The answer is somewhere in your past and only you can discover it.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

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Xsolrac
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Re: I cant feel myself loved...

Postby Xsolrac » Tue May 31, 2016 4:39 am

Orientalist wrote:Hi Xsolrac. The problem seems to be that you don't love yourself, so you desperately need to feel love from others. This is common with people who have low self-esteem. The root cause may be lack of parental love and/or a lot of criticism when young.

You don't mention parents or family at all in your post! This is where we normally expect to receive unconditional love throughout our lives. Friends are a bit different. Friendships are usually based on shared interests, and when those interests diverge, the friendship fades. Don't rely on friends for love, because you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment in the future. Be realistic about friendships. You seem to have a group of friends who like you a lot and are there for you, so enjoy them while you can but don't rely on them solely for your happiness.

My advice is to read one or two of the many books on how to love yourself and see if you can pinpoint the reason this low self-esteem started. Didn't you have love from your parents? Did you lose someone who loved you? Was a loving relationship betrayed in some way? The answer is somewhere in your past and only you can discover it.


I dont really know about loving myself, I dont LOVE myself but dont really dislike me either, I do think I have low self-esteem though (Although I have never read up on it) however many of my friends say I come up as with high self-esteem or confidence. About my parents, mine is a solid family with no issues, my parents love me a lot, I, however tend to shove them off, idk why, I dont really like atttention from my parents, and as far as critisism when young goes I was bullied back at preschool and at some years of elemtenary school.

I have never heard of those books you said before, but I will look them up!

Thanks:)
Why does it has to be that way?

Engage
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Re: I cant feel myself loved...

Postby Engage » Tue May 31, 2016 3:38 pm

I can relate to this. Sometimes introverts aren't as approachable as extroverts, and so you get confused looks from people instead of appreciation. It can make you feel unwanted or misunderstood.

But like Orientalist says, family will usually love you unconditionally. Cherish them and love them back.

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DC1346
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Re: I cant feel myself loved...

Postby DC1346 » Sat Jul 23, 2016 5:50 pm

Xsolrac wrote:A
The point being, is it normal to feel like this? Is the problem within me? And why do I feel like this? What can I do about it?


I don't know.

How do you feel about it? Are you depressed? If so, you might want to see a psychiatrist for a preliminary diagnosis and suggested course of treatment.

I know that people love me. I know my father loves me. I've also had students at school HUG me. (I hate being hugged.)

Sadly, I feel nothing in response.

The only person I ever really loved was my Aunt Mully who sadly passed away in '93 after a long bout with cancer. Aunt Mully's love was unconditional whereas everyone else in my life has always attached some sort of condition to our relationship.

The pastor of the Church I used to attend had strict expectations about the number of Ministries I served in and the amount I tithed to the Church.

My parents had strict expectations regarding my academic performance in school. Nothing less than a perfect A was ever acceptable. I remember once working my butt off in a particularly difficult math class and earning an A-. My father punished me for my failure by docking my allowance and grounding me for a month. (Sigh)

Friends have expected me shower them with congratulations over their respective engagements. They have expected me to attend their weddings and to later ooh and ah over the exploits of a squalling red faced infant and I've been expected to show every interest in all of the details about that child's life including some rather graphic descriptions about bowel movements and diaper changing. (Shudder)

I think the question you have raised has to be answered by each of us because there is no set standard.

I am a reclusive introvert because it turns out that I'm autistic. Others might be reclusive because they have social anxiety disorder. Some people, roughly half of our population, are natural introverts or have introverted tendencies. Everyone has a different story and a different reason for being why they are the way they are.

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Xsolrac
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Re: I cant feel myself loved...

Postby Xsolrac » Mon Jul 25, 2016 3:41 am

DC1346 wrote:
Xsolrac wrote:A
The point being, is it normal to feel like this? Is the problem within me? And why do I feel like this? What can I do about it?


I don't know.

How do you feel about it? Are you depressed? If so, you might want to see a psychiatrist for a preliminary diagnosis and suggested course of treatment.

I know that people love me. I know my father loves me. I've also had students at school HUG me. (I hate being hugged.)

Sadly, I feel nothing in response.

The only person I ever really loved was my Aunt Mully who sadly passed away in '93 after a long bout with cancer. Aunt Mully's love was unconditional whereas everyone else in my life has always attached some sort of condition to our relationship.

The pastor of the Church I used to attend had strict expectations about the number of Ministries I served in and the amount I tithed to the Church.

My parents had strict expectations regarding my academic performance in school. Nothing less than a perfect A was ever acceptable. I remember once working my butt off in a particularly difficult math class and earning an A-. My father punished me for my failure by docking my allowance and grounding me for a month. (Sigh)

Friends have expected me shower them with congratulations over their respective engagements. They have expected me to attend their weddings and to later ooh and ah over the exploits of a squalling red faced infant and I've been expected to show every interest in all of the details about that child's life including some rather graphic descriptions about bowel movements and diaper changing. (Shudder)

I think the question you have raised has to be answered by each of us because there is no set standard.

I am a reclusive introvert because it turns out that I'm autistic. Others might be reclusive because they have social anxiety disorder. Some people, roughly half of our population, are natural introverts or have introverted tendencies. Everyone has a different story and a different reason for being why they are the way they are.


Hey,
It depends really, I have always kept all of the things that happen to me to myself, so I bury everything, but there are times when everything just becomes too much and resurfaces. When that happens I actually feel pretty depressed. Normally I amnot affected by such things, but it really wierds me out the fact that I cannot feel myself loved, and when I am in my depressed period I guess you can call it, it actually wears me down. I know my friends love me, but my incapacity to feel loved and comunicate my feelings to someone else just makes me feel like drowning in emptiness and solitude. I have actually considered going to a psycologist or something, but I cannot bring myself to do it because talking about myself to another person I am actually in contact with (a physical person, or communicating to someone I actually know) seems so impossible to do.

Also, sorry to hear your story, Im sure growing up with that kind of unfairness and strictness, must have had sucked.
Why does it has to be that way?

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DC1346
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Re: I cant feel myself loved...

Postby DC1346 » Wed Jul 27, 2016 3:04 am

No worries. Since I am autistic, I am very literal. My life is what it is and because I do not fantasize about what could have been, I do not feel sorrow or regret.

Two questions for you ... you said you don't love yourself. Do you like yourself? Do you regard yourself as a fundamentally decent person? Do you feel any sense of self worth or accomplishment? These are all related to the same basic question.

2nd question: Are there others in your life whom you like and respect ... people whose company you actually enjoy ... people whose opinions matter to you?

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Xsolrac
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Re: I cant feel myself loved...

Postby Xsolrac » Wed Jul 27, 2016 6:21 am

DC1346 wrote:No worries. Since I am autistic, I am very literal. My life is what it is and because I do not fantasize about what could have been, I do not feel sorrow or regret.

Two questions for you ... you said you don't love yourself. Do you like yourself? Do you regard yourself as a fundamentally decent person? Do you feel any sense of self worth or accomplishment? These are all related to the same basic question.

2nd question: Are there others in your life whom you like and respect ... people whose company you actually enjoy ... people whose opinions matter to you?


For the first question,
I think of myself as being ok. I have a good sense of moral and good valors, I know I am a good person, I know I do/know a lot of interestic things, but in the end I cannot bring myself to like me at all, I personally consider myself to be dull with little personality, boring and an annoyance, even thought I have had many people tell me how "cool or intersting or good person" I am (they telling me this because they wanted to, not becasuse I let them in on my self pity). I dont think myself of being capable of doing great things, and despite being intelligent and good at forming social interactions, my greatest fear is that of being a faillure in life (I am 18 and in my last year of high school).

As for the second one,
I don´t know, honestly. I enjoy the company of my more closer friends, but becasue I board up all the time any type of crittisism directed at me usually falls in deaf ears. Becasue I was bullied when I was a child for many years, bad at making friends and asocial for some other years, it led me to be auto dependant and to steeling myself to deal with things, on my own. I listen to opinions and constructive crittisism, but for the most part, I dont care. I dont believe there is anyone relevant enough so that I will suffer or change because of whatever thing that person may say to me.
Why does it has to be that way?

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DC1346
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Re: I cant feel myself loved...

Postby DC1346 » Wed Jul 27, 2016 6:53 pm

Xsolrac wrote:I personally consider myself to be dull with little personality, boring and an annoyance, even thought I have had many people tell me how "cool or intersting or good person" I am (they telling me this because they wanted to,

I dont think myself of being capable of doing great things, and despite being intelligent and good at forming social interactions, my greatest fear is that of being a faillure in life (I am 18 and in my last year of high school).


It doesn't sound like you have very good self esteem. Since you're only 18, I will point out that low self esteem is fairly common among teenagers. The media pushes an idealized look of slim girls and muscular guys that in many cases is unrealistic and leads to self esteem issues because of body shaming. Bullying is a lot worse today than it was 50 years ago because social media runs 24/7 and bullies can use Facebook, Twitter, YouTube etc. to harass their victims. Sports and other extracurricular activities, raging hormones, school work, family life etc. all contribute to teen stress.

Here are some thoughts towards improving your self esteem.

Build on what works Instead of always criticizing yourself, think about the positive things that are going on in your life. As a daily mental exercise, come up with 3 things that you did right during the day. If it helps, keep a journal to help remind yourself of your positive accomplishments.

Manage your inner critic. Think about the harsh language you use when you think about yourself. Would you talk to a best friend that way? Harsh words are destructive. They make us feel bad. It's okay to be self critical but instead of being totally negative, use constructive criticism to think about what you could have done better. Avoid obsessing about perceived flaws. It's easy to nitpick but too much nitpicking will lower your self esteem.

Make an effort Some people have problems with improving their self esteem because their problems may seem insurmountable. You might compare this to being at the foot of a tall mountain. The mountain towers over you and seems impossible to climb but as the old saying goes, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. If you want to improve your self esteem, you have got to make an effort. Forget about the excuses. Forget about why things will never be better. Make an effort and understand that improvement takes time. There's no on-off switch for self esteem. As you identify your positive accomplishments and build upon them, you will feel better but this takes work.

View mistakes as learning opportunities. Life is like learning how to ride a bike. When you first start to ride you struggle to find your balance and despite your best efforts, you fall over and bang an elbow or bruise your knee. What do you do when this happens? You pick yourself up, you dust yourself off, and you get back on the bike.

Life is fraught with risk and everyone ... me, you, your parents, your teachers, the President of the United States etc. makes mistakes.

One of the keys towards having a successful life is the ability to learn from your mistakes. What did you do wrong? How could things have gone better? What could you do in the future to ensure success?

Thou art mortal In the days of the ancient Roman Empire, a successful general would have a parade in his honor. He'd ride down the street in a chariot while citizens lined the road cheering his success. To help keep all of this from going to his head, a slave riding in the chariot would whisper into the general's air, "Remember thou are mortal."

So what does this have to do with you? Remember that everyone is good at different things. You may not be your school's quarterback, you may not be the next Valedictorian at your school, but surely you must be good at something? What are you good at? What do you excel at?

Don't get upset if you're good at something and find that someone is better. That's life. Someone will always be better.

Celebrate your accomplishments and never settle for what you can do. Work to improve your skills and understand that learning is part of life. Everyone learns as we get older, even those of us who have three college degrees and are 55 years of age.

The skills you have may always be improved. The things you know can always be learned about in greater depth.

Don't be afraid to try new things. You might want to try new activities to see if you have a passion or interest in something else other than the same old stuff you did last year. If you wind up trying new activities, think about what you did well. Having positive thoughts about yourself and your accomplishments will help you build your self esteem.

Recognize what you can change and what you can't. Be realistic about what you can do to improve your self esteem. Thinking that you're going to become the next famous rock star is not realistic for most people. Thinking that you want to be 6' 6" is not realistic if you're only 5'9".

Think about what you'd like to accomplish. Think about what you want to do. Make a step by step plan for accomplishing your goal. Follow your plan. Track your progress. Use your inner voice to remind yourself about what you've accomplished and keep your eye on the end goal that you're working towards.

You have a right to your opinions. Peer group pressure is a problem with teenagers. Nobody wants to go against the group because that could make you an outcast and lead to criticism, teasing, or even bullying.

Don't be afraid to voice your opinions and if someone disagrees, don't worry about it. We're not ants who march in lockstep to the queen's orders. We're human beings. We're individuals and no matter how much you may like the people in your peer group, you won't always share their opinions.

Accept compliments. People with low self esteem tend to ignore the nice things t hat other people say about them. Look at what you wrote in your earlier post. Other kids have said that you're cool and you totally brushed that off. Stop that. Accept the compliments. Appreciate the compliments. Take them seriously and think about giving out sincere compliments of your own. Give (deserving) compliments to build your relationships and accept compliments in return as being sincere, heartfelt, and honest.

Be part of your community. Do something to help others. Tutor a classmate. Help out with a good cause. Join an extracurricular group at your school to help make a positive difference in your community. Helping others will help you feel better about yourself.

Exercise! Being active reduces body fat and stress. Reducing stress is another way for you to feel better about yourself.

Have fun! Don't get so preoccupied with your problems that you forget to relax and have fun. Play a game. Watch a movie. Do whatever it is you do to have fun. Having fun is another way to reduce stress.


Xsolrac wrote:
I don´t know, honestly. I enjoy the company of my more closer friends, but becasue I board up all the time any type of crittisism directed at me usually falls in deaf ears. Becasue I was bullied when I was a child for many years, bad at making friends and asocial for some other years, it led me to be auto dependant and to steeling myself to deal with things, on my own. I listen to opinions and constructive crittisism, but for the most part, I dont care. I dont believe there is anyone relevant enough so that I will suffer or change because of whatever thing that person may say to me.


I used to have an Aunt Mully many years ago. Aunt Mully offered me unconditional love at a time when I really needed that. She was my rock in a turbulent sea and after I grew up, graduated from college, and moved away, I knew that wherever I went, she was just a phone call away. I miss her.

Are you telling me that there's no one in your life that you would miss if something were to happen and that person was suddenly gone from your life forever?

I hope that's not the case and that you're just boarding up your feelings.

Despite being introverts, we're still people and we still have feelings.

My personal thought is that unless you improve your self esteem, you're always going to have problems with relating to others. After all, how can you accept anyone's love if you don't love yourself?

It's just a thought.


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