Dating

For discussions regarding relationships, including friends and family.
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Sunny49
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Dating

Postby Sunny49 » Mon Apr 15, 2013 7:29 pm

What is your view on dating? What is your approach to relationships in general? I have some awkward fear of dating. Maybe it´s because I had some bad experience in the past, but it´s very hard for me to leave a relationship that doesn´t work for me (aka break up with someone). I mean, I know that if something isn´t working, that best thing is to end it, but there are a lot of irrational people out there who don´t really share this opinion. And it just hurts me so much if I have to hurt someone else. I´d rather hurt myself than make somebody suffer. Also, I realize that you need to take risks and that there is no guarantee when it comes to relationship. We never know what the future brings. What do you think?

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Molly
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Postby Molly » Mon Apr 15, 2013 8:41 pm

I agree about the risk element, and also about the hurting others. But also dating can be fun if you don't dive in head first and leave yourself open to being used/hurt/abandoned. If, for example, people start off as friends, then get closer and more trusting of each other, I think dating will go well. But thats just my own limited opinion! lol
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Snowcrow
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Dating

Postby Snowcrow » Tue Apr 16, 2013 2:40 pm

Unless the first person you date is the one you get married to, people are going to get hurt along the way. You can try as best you can to avoid pain, but more than likely you'll get your heart ripped out at least once.

The best you can do is learn from past experiences and try not to make the same mistakes again.

scott85
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Dating

Postby scott85 » Tue Apr 16, 2013 3:26 pm

I'm all for screening the person before going out on a date. so far my screening has eliminated 99% of the people out there. is that a little disturbing, or do I just know what I want and it's very hard to find?
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Snowcrow
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Dating

Postby Snowcrow » Tue Apr 16, 2013 7:41 pm

scott85 wrote:I'm all for screening the person before going out on a date. so far my screening has eliminated 99% of the people out there. is that a little disturbing, or do I just know what I want and it's very hard to find?

Do you honestly believe that you'd be unhappy with 99% of the people out there?

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IWHMA
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Dating

Postby IWHMA » Tue Apr 16, 2013 8:35 pm

Rather than saying it in terms of "dating," since "dating" can mean different things to different people, I am going to say how I think the best romantic relationships would develop.

I think friendship is important, very much so. I think the best relationships come from close friendships that were developed without view of dating.

Further, I think, no matter how tempted single people are to go looking for someone, they shouldn't. If you are looking at every person as a potential partner, rather than a potential friend, you are going to end up seeing any guy/girl in terms of being a suitable partner or not being one, rather than in terms of human value. You run the risks of overlooking someone who would make a friend, although a bad partner, and of settling on someone as a partner because you have "forced" yourself to look at the person as a potential partner... if that makes any sense.

Relationships should develop naturally out of friendships, is the point.

From there, it happens naturally. Two friends are going to start to like each other, for some reason. I think it tends to happen because friends are constantly growing closer, with nothing in view except enjoying the time together. Once you get to be such good friends with someone that you know a lot about them, you may realize that person is someone you have certain feeling for.

If the natural feelings are there, then it's time to look at it logically. This is a step many miss, but it's important! You have to ask yourself if this relationship could really last. Ask if the two of you have similar enough values and goals to be in a lasting relationship. Can you realistically see yourself with this person in the long run?

Moreover, I dislike when people treat dating like a game. Dating is a way to get close to someone in a romantic way. To avoid hurting someone, people shouldn't date just for fun or for the experience.

Oh, and Scott, I always love to see people with standards. Only by having standards can you find someone who is truly good for you, right? 99% isn't even that low. That still leaves about 35,553,954 females out there for ya.

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Dating

Postby scott85 » Wed Apr 17, 2013 4:19 am

Snowcrow wrote:Do you honestly believe that you'd be unhappy with 99% of the people out there?


maybe not to that exact percent. but with most people yes. thats why I don't even bother most of the time
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Postby scott85 » Wed Apr 17, 2013 5:02 am

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Sunny49
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Postby Sunny49 » Wed Apr 17, 2013 7:39 am

@ Scott, personally I find nothing wrong with that, but if you feel like that´s a problem than have you maybe made an indepth analysis of that? Cause than we can exclude it. Like, do you have a fear of relationships? Commitment? Rejection? Or something like that? Cause often times people rationalize their behaviour as "there is noone out there for me" when in fact there are plenty people out there but they don´t want to pursue them because of some subconscious fear. So, have you thought about that?

@IWHMA, I agree totally about the logical part and I feel very sad because most guys I met so far don´t care about logic AT ALL. It really frustrates me. And aren´t men supposed to be better with logic? And well, considering that every relationship is a risk, we can either not date anyone or date for experience. I think it´s better to date for experience then, cause you get more mature through that process and learn more about relationships, so the chance to have a satisfying life-long relationship increases with experience. In case you learn from it. I think. I learned that relationships are so much different that what I imagined them to be. The problem is to find rational people who think the same way. Most guys are such Werther´s who just wanna stare at you the whole day and ignore any rational fact. Ugh. :x

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Postby scott85 » Wed Apr 17, 2013 3:51 pm

my parent are divorced and I've seen what can happen. I'm sure that has something to do with it. I'm very careful and if I don't find the right person, I don't want to even bother

I actually found someone I really like, but it seems she doesn't like introverts. I tried explaining myself to her and she hasn't taken the time to read about it (or hasn't told me anyway) best part is she lives with a introvert...

in depth, I'm looking for someone with no kids, never been married, no STDs since I don't have any I only feel its fair. (are we still reading? lol) someone with similar interests as me, someone that agrees politically with me (for the most part). religion not terribly important, but since I don't go to church I would prefer a non-religious "freak" (hate using that word)

I'm a very detail oriented person and it seems the vast majority of the population isn't. "everyone" wants to do what's trendy and popular and can't find other things themselves. they want to be accepted among the masses. this is not me at all, and it gives the impression I'm into inferior things just because it's something they haven't heard of before on a commercial

I'm not a very dramatic person. I don't yell, scream & whine to get my way. If I can't deal with someone in a calm & collected manner, I don't do business with them. (talking with quiet confidence always beats screaming with obvious insecurity)

today dating is a little different. your likely to end up with someone sitting on their phone 1/2 the time and not paying attention to you. I'm not up to date with all the current mind games and all that BS either...

so, who's ready to say I've got just the person for you!?!

ok wow .. hope that helps explain I'm sure theres more I could add!
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IWHMA
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Postby IWHMA » Wed Apr 17, 2013 6:10 pm

scott85 wrote:so, who's ready to say I've got just the person for you!?!


Hehee, as I was reading it, although there were no specific people that came to mind, you do seem more likable than you realize.

Except the politics and religion thing, you describe yourself a lot like my ISTJ cousin does, and he thinks there's no one for him, either. He's only slightly insecure, and he's totally likable (he's one of my very best friends). He thinks there isn't anyone for him, that no one could understand him and appreciate all the neat things about him, and that there is no one enough like him to be suitable for him.

I think he's great, and I think you also have great things like that about you. Maybe you should consider an INFP. I all of a sudden realize how well I get along with and really like ISTJs, which I never thought would be one of my favorite types. I think you'd do well with an INFP.

There is this extrovert guy I kind of want to be friends with (an ESTJ, my cousin says) because he seems neat and is into architecture things, but he seems to not like introverts, either, because he always ignores me. So I understand what you mean by some extroverts just not being interested in introverts. I only want to be friends with this guy, though.

Sunny, I understand any relationship is a risk, but I don't think it's beneficial purposefully going into a risky relationship, just for the experience. The pain of true heartbreak isn't worth the experience, from my happenings.

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Postby scott85 » Thu Apr 18, 2013 4:20 pm

IWHMA wrote:Maybe you should consider an INFP. I all of a sudden realize how well I get along with and really like ISTJs, which I never thought would be one of my favorite types. I think you'd do well with an INFP.


according to this page http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ISTJ_rel.html "the ISTJ's natural partner is the ESFP, or the ESTP"

I'm not sure how they figure that, but their ISTJ description fits me very well.

thanks though, most people don't even know what MBTI is and are in relationships/married. Lol
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IWHMA
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Postby IWHMA » Thu Apr 18, 2013 4:52 pm

I also know many people don't know their MBTIs and are in relationships, haha.

It says INFPs should marry ENFJs, too, and there's no way that's happening, not for me. :D At least I wouldn't think so.

They say that because they're trying to match you with your cognative function shadows.

INFP: FiNe SiTe
ENFJ: FeNi SeTi

ISTJ: SiTe FiNe
ESTP: SeTi FeNi


And apparently those functions are supposed to work really well together. While I do like INFJs a lot, especially for their NiFe combination, they do not have similar enough thought processes to mine, for a relationship, to me (not that I would be totally closed to an INFJ). This is because I more want someone who has a similar thought process rather than a 'complimentary' one. This is why I suggested an INFP to you, because you seem to be looking for similar.

INFP: FiNe SiTe
ISTJ: SiTe FiNe


And although I used to say I could never handle the strict, organized and seemingly unperceptive ways SJs can be, I realized that they can develop their senses pretty well, and now through that realization along with experience with ISTJs, I especially like ISTJs.

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Postby scott85 » Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:03 pm

I can understand why people would think ISTJs are difficult to understand. we tend to internalize things a lot. but the thing is, it's because it's something we strongly believe in. more times than not, if someone tries to argue whatever it is, we have good explanation why we feel that way, and tend to not change our beliefs. maybe we would pickup on something like a minor detail and internalize that, but usually that's about it. just being honest here lol

for me being a non-conformist, it's even more that way. I'm not even sure if non-conformist is common among ISTJs or not, but in general it seems to be a introvert thing, more than extroverts would attempt, right?
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IWHMA
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Postby IWHMA » Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:24 pm

Yes, I understand that aspect about ISTJs. I think INFPs can seem just as 'stubborn' because we tend to value our beliefs so strongly, and internally. Either type, though, can be persuaded with a strong enough argument, although through different types of appeal. I like this about Fi/Si types; skeptical, yet reasonable.

As for non-conformity, that's kind of funny that my ISTJ cousin just a little while ago was telling me how unoriginal people can be, and how it bothers him. He isn't nearly as non-conformist as I am, though.

Relatably, SJs tend to be 'traditional,' which sometimes may come off as sounding like it means they're 'conformist,' but in my experience, many 'traditional' values are no longer mainstream... hmmm, I dare not say that makes them hipsters, hahaha.

I think they just have a tendancy to value... hmm... 'good' things? Traditional, but for good reasons. I'll have to find a better way to word that. I think nonconformity might just be a value for you... nonconformity comes from Ne, I believe, whereas tradition comes from Si (would be my best guess).

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Postby scott85 » Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:39 pm

then when ISTJs bust out completely random humor, people are really lost then Lol

"he's so serious yet.. what's with that random humor?!" mass confusion hahahaha!

picture a ISTJ working for hours straight not saying a word, then a completely random joke... WTF??! hahaha
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Postby Dutchman » Thu Apr 18, 2013 9:58 pm

scott85 wrote:then when ISTJs bust out completely random humor, people are really lost then Lol

"he's so serious yet.. what's with that random humor?!" mass confusion hahahaha!

picture a ISTJ working for hours straight not saying a word, then a completely random joke... WTF??! hahaha

That'll actually be hilarious :lol: :lol:

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Postby LoneApothecary » Sat May 25, 2013 6:53 pm

I have no motivation to pursue people with the intent of starting romantic relationships. I want to find people to spend time with. If I really enjoy spending time with someone, and they really enjoy spending time with me, it may develop into something more. If it remains platonic, that's great. If it becomes romantic, that's icing on the cake. My general approach to relationships is to put time and energy into them until I feel as if I'm wasting my time and energy. Once that happens, I'll cut my losses. If a break-up was required, I wouldn't feel bad if the other person was hurt in the process. If I truly loved someone, and they told me that I was holding them back, I'd understand, as I'd want the best for them. If I felt hurt, that'd be my own fault, not theirs. I'd expect the same from someone who claims to love me.
"By all means let's be open minded, but not so open minded that our brains fall out."

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Postby IWHMA » Mon May 27, 2013 1:04 pm

What Apothecary said about finding someone I completely agree with. That's how it should be done; just look for friendships.

I can't say I wouldn't feel hurt after a breakup though. I suppose it depends on the reason for the breakup.

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Postby Snowcrow » Mon Jun 17, 2013 6:23 pm

IWHMA wrote:What Apothecary said about finding someone I completely agree with. That's how it should be done; just look for friendships.

I'm not interested in more friends irl. So that approach isn't optimal for me, but I see how it makes sense for a lot of people.

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Dating

Postby nadlam » Mon Oct 27, 2014 12:24 am

Hello all,

As a lifelong introvert, dating is something I have found to be quite difficult. As an introverted person, it is often difficult to stand out in a world that is very extrovert-oriented. As a result of finding success in the dating world, and being in a long-term relationship with a great girl, I am working on a blog project that is aimed towards helping introverts (specifically men) to become more charming and attractive, to be able to get more of what they want out of life, without having to completely overhaul their personalitites.

I am not here to advertise, as I am not even going to share where my project is located. What I am here to do is find out from YOU all:

What would you like to improve in yourself, as an introvert hoping to get more out of the dating world?

Please let me know what kind of concepts you would like to improve in yourself, so I can get an idea of what people would like to learn. If you are interested in the blog project or possibly contributing, please message me. This is my first post, so I am not completely sure how it all works. Thanks so much for the help.

Nathan

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Justwatching
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Postby Justwatching » Tue Nov 11, 2014 1:09 pm

nadlam wrote:
helping introverts (specifically men) to become more charming and attractive

Nathan


no. No. NO!

If this isn't a massaged way of saying introverted men should act more extroverted, I don't know what is.

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SandWshooter
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Postby SandWshooter » Wed Nov 12, 2014 10:19 am

nadlam wrote:helping introverts (specifically men) to become more charming and attractive



Implying I'm not already charming as fuck when you get past the hostility and glaring personality flaws
Hi, mac!

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Orientalist
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Postby Orientalist » Wed Nov 12, 2014 11:03 am

Living in Asia as an expat, online dating is about all I've got. But once you get to a certain age, it's a lot more difficult. There are cultural barriers, language barriers, and middle-aged women tend to be very conservative in this part of the world. Generally, they are looking for marriage and make it clear at the first meeting that sex before marriage is beyond the pale. :shock:

I could put the women I've met into two broad groups,the relatively easygoing ones who are divorced with kids and are looking for financial support, and the more attractive ones working in sales or marketing who have high expectations and like having their own way. Neither really works for me, although I've made some female friends from dating. I think I started with online dating at least a decade too late!
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tongue35
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Dating

Postby tongue35 » Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:50 am

scott85 wrote:I'm all for screening the person before going out on a date. so far my screening has eliminated 99% of the people out there. is that a little disturbing, or do I just know what I want and it's very hard to find?


i have the same problem, i screen these women and when its over, ive eliminated 90% of the dating pool..i just know when i wont click with certain women, especially when it comes to being with her down the road etc etc..what im looking for in a woman seems very hard to find..im thinking i either need to settle or give up on it..im not sure how old you guys are though so...dating is hellish for me tbh..

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Dating

Postby tongue35 » Wed Nov 26, 2014 4:18 pm

Orientalist wrote:Living in Asia as an expat, online dating is about all I've got. But once you get to a certain age, it's a lot more difficult. There are cultural barriers, language barriers, and middle-aged women tend to be very conservative in this part of the world. Generally, they are looking for marriage and make it clear at the first meeting that sex before marriage is beyond the pale. :shock:

I could put the women I've met into two broad groups,the relatively easygoing ones who are divorced with kids and are looking for financial support, and the more attractive ones working in sales or marketing who have high expectations and like having their own way. Neither really works for me, although I've made some female friends from dating. I think I started with online dating at least a decade too late!


thats been my experience as well, living in america and being in my mid 30s..2 types of women i usually come across and neither fit me too well..i cant find the single introverted girl that doesnt have kids or a ton of other baggage...

to the guy whose writing a book, its easy what i would change about my introversion, i wish i could be more outgoing and get more out of going out and socializing..this is a huge barrier to serious relationships i have found in many cases..


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