Maintaining Real Life Friendships

For discussions regarding relationships, including friends and family.
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Molly
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Maintaining Real Life Friendships

Postby Molly » Mon Apr 15, 2013 12:06 pm

Having friends in real life, is a difficult relationship for me to maintain. I love the idea of having friends, and I have no problem in starting a friendship, but I quickly tire of the responsibility of the constant contact, and various interactions that it involves. (Being female, this normally involves going for coffee, shopping, movies etc)

So, my question is to those who have Real Life Friends....how easy do you find it to keep the friendship up, and do you ever feel like flaking out sometimes when you have arranged to meet up for any reason?
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Kaspi
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Maintaining Real Life Friendships

Postby Kaspi » Mon Apr 15, 2013 1:06 pm

I have two good friends who I meet regularly (separately, they don´t know each other and I am not an introducing agency). I find it surprisingly easy to stay in touch. We don´t see each other too often, so I guess it´s always interesting to see what was the other one doing in last month (or in last 6 months :D ).

I think I don´t have many people with whom I´d want to talk about personal things. So I try to keep in touch with these friends who I can talk with openly. And because I´m not used to speaking openly, I always welcome meeting with them. It´s a change from my "normal life".

But these are special cases for me. In most cases, I choose fading away strategy. I had more friends in high school for example, but after the high school ended, I stayed in touch with only one of them.

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Postby Snowcrow » Mon Apr 15, 2013 3:32 pm

Right now I guess I only have one friend who I socialize with on a regular basis.
We live together so it's kinda hard to avoid haha.
Then there are two or three people I keep in touch with. Although it can go months between contact.
In all other cases, I've faded away.
I'm happy this way. I don't need more socializing.

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Postby Sunny49 » Mon Apr 15, 2013 4:55 pm

Yeah, it´s difficult for me too. Most of the time, I start socializing with someone and then after a while I realize we´re not really compatible. Or, we just grow apart. Or they change and I stop liking them. I´m very independent and private and I don´t really like keeping in touch and stuff like that, kind of annoys me. It limits my freedom in a way. Maybe that just means I haven´t found the right people for me yet. Idk.

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Postby Justice » Thu Apr 18, 2013 2:32 pm

Molly wrote: So, my question is to those who have Real Life Friends....how easy do you find it to keep the friendship up, and do you ever feel like flaking out sometimes when you have arranged to meet up for any reason?


I do have a few Real Life Friends, but I only see those once in a few weeks. I like being alone, so I don't really need to see my friends every day of every week. And I guess I lost some friends just because of that.
I used to find it hard to maintain those friendships, but it gets easier now. It has actually a lot to do with facebook or whatsapp, because I can ask how they are through social media and I don't have to see them (and I can respond when I want to and not because they are waiting for my answer). Which, for me, is a great solution. And once in a while I actually see them for a couple of hours (we go to lunch or see a movie) and then I get to go home again.

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Postby scott85 » Thu Apr 18, 2013 3:15 pm

I moved 10 years ago, and now my friends are spread across the state. I only have a couple close friends and everyone else is an hour+ away. most everyone is married and that makes hangout time even less it seems. we keep in touch and hangout a couple times a year. before I moved all my friends were within 10 minutes of me
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Postby IWHMA » Fri Apr 19, 2013 12:48 am

I don't really have that many. I have a few friends at my religious meetings, but most of the time I am too shy to talk to them, and many of them I just don't have such marked compatibility with.

SpoonGirl and Solitude are my best friends from high school. SpoonGirl moved to Florida, several thousand miles away, and Solitude and I are both pretty busy with school, and he lives a few towns over, about an hour away. Most of my communication with them is limited to he internet.

My ISTJ cousin and I are very close friends, and I get to see him four days a week. :D And he wonders why I am always so happy to see him, haha. He's the only close friend I get to see a lot.

I became extremely shut in this past year, spending all my time on the computer to talk to my long-distance boyfriend/fiance. Now that I no longer have that, I admit I like to go out a little more often. I have been actively working on making a few friends, especially with the help of my cousin.

I don't want more than two friends, really. I want at least one to be a boy, because I really tend not to relate to girls in 'real life.' Only on very rare occasions, and they tend to be INFJs.

I communicate with many introverts on Skype, and I am plenty happy with that being my primary form of friendship. :)

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Postby Kaspi » Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:19 pm

Talking about real friendships. How long does it take you guys to develop a really good friendship?

I am thinking about my experience on this, and it takes me quite long. And as I think about it, I have only had three really good friends in my life, two of them are my friends now. And it´s quite hard to get close to me. With my high school friend (one of the two), I became more open about personal stuff some time after we finished high school, which means something like 5-6 years after we met. Now, considering that I am 24, I have spent quarter of my life building a friendship to a level that many people probably consider normal after few months. I think my problem (if it is a problem, I´m not sure) is, that I don´t like to share personal things, and I usually refuse to share if someone asks. I am not sure why do I feel the need to be closed like that, it´s probably some unspecified phobia of mine :D.

What are your experiences?
How long does it take you to form a proper friendship?

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Postby Sunny49 » Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:38 pm

I guess it depends on how comfortable I am with that person. It´s usually not difficult to open up for me if the other person is also open and shows respect (is mature). A lot of people, extroverts also, are pretty closed (though it seems like they are very open cause they talk a lot). A lot of people are very defensive also, so it is hard to make genuine friends. So, far in my life I only had two friends who were close to being my best friends, but we broke up eventually. That was an INTJ and an ESFP. (And an ENTP when I was a kid). Also, this "fast friendships" you mention...I wonder if they are genuine and how deep they are...

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Postby IWHMA » Sun Apr 21, 2013 11:05 pm

Hmmm, interesting thought, Kaspi.

It takes me a long time, too. When I first started hanging around my cousin (I was isolated from most of my maternal family until I was 11), we actually hated each other for a long time. We only started tolerating each other... hmmm, I think we were about 12, or 13... Probably it took nearly a year. Then again I was a kid, and my perception of time was slower. I know we were great friends by time we were 13.

I was only acquaintances with SpoonGirl and Solitude (respectively) for a nearly a whole grade-year before we got to be really close friends. Maybe a little less with Solitude, like, 3/4ths of a year. SpoonGirl I sat at a lunch table for our whole 11th grade year with then we got to be great friends through Facebook and then texting. Solitude I sat next to each other in band for most of that same year and got to be pretty close toward the end/that following summer. Funny thing is, I had hardly said anything to either of them. Some weird INFJ-INFP intuitive bond thing, haha.

My first really good friendship, in 9th grade, with an ESTJ, took only a few months to develop. I think that's because he was so outgoing and wanting to help me (I come off as weak) and plus we got along great with the way our minds worked.

This is how I meet people, a rare thing. :D

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Postby UnfoundKnowledge » Wed Oct 30, 2013 7:16 pm

Well in my experience I have only had 2 (what I like to call) real friendships. I have had other friends throughout my school years, but that was basically just to pass the time until the school day ended and I could go home. I also pretty much hated all of them so that made my day go by a lot longer. Anyways, my first real friendship was when I was in grade 4. That relationship lasted until the end of grade 7 because my parents got a divorce and I was transferred to a different school to finish off my last year (grade 8) of elementary school.

My second real friendship began in grade 8 (oddly enough). I had previously meet him when I was in grade 7, we were on the same hockey team (yes, that's right, I'm Canadian and I play hockey. Big surprise.... :P (love stereotypes)) and was the only kid that lived near me. But we became really good friends and would hang out for literally everyday for the next year. I honestly cant remember what it was that made us become friends, we kinda just started hangin out one day and never stopped. And when I started to want to be alone, being an introvert and all, I wouldn't have to say anything most times, he kinda just knew. Which was awesome :yes: :D I have flaked on him a lot actually. I never really felt bad because I knew that he knew I just needed my space for whatever reason.

I should say this kid is a complete Extravert. The whole extravert package, good with meeting new people and making A LOT of friends, is a total ladies killer, has awesome jokes, and always knows the right thing to say, every, fucking, time..... But I digress.

So by becoming friends and hanging out everyday, he basically learned from me. He knows what an Introvert is, without actually knowing what an Introvert is, just by getting to know me through being friends. And through such a union of two extreme opposites I have gained not only a life long friend, who will always have my back, listen to me when I need someone to talk too and help me through tough times/situations, and also someone who will wait for me to come out of hiding, so to speak, and pick up right where we left off. But also an invaluable companion to join me as we travel down this long road we call life. And in the great words of Sherlock Holmes; “You have a grand gift for silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion.”

I'm 20 now and we have been friends since I was 12, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. To each other, we are brothers, and forever will be. I must say, in the beginning it was hard to keep up with the responsibility of friendship, we have had falling outs and such other things along the way, but in the long run it proved to be worth it. My advice to you is stick it out, see what becomes of it. Although it helps if they understand what your needs are as an introvert. (by needs i mean requiring time alone and what not) Maybe that's something you should try explaining to your friends so they're not always asking you to do stuff and making you feel guilty if you say no. (if that's whats happening) Everybody needs at least one friend. Its an experience you cant afford to miss in life. Remember, something is only going to be valuable to you if you want it to be. Other wise, whats the point in trying?

P.S. sorry for the long post, just wanted to share my experience with you in hopes that, in some way, it will help you out.

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Postby Pathfinder » Sat Nov 16, 2013 4:25 am

"So, my question is to those who have Real Life Friends....how easy do you find it to keep the friendship up, and do you ever feel like flaking out sometimes when you have arranged to meet up for any reason?"

I think that any kind of relationship requires work to keep it alive. As far as friends go I think that first I need to understand what you mean by a friend. I tend to categorize friends into at least 3 different categories. 1) Close friends I see somewhat regularly, 2) Casual friends I see only once in a while, and 3) Friends that would be more like acquaintances from my prospective.

Group #3 I don't put much effort into and a lot of the time they come around when they need something, like a shoulder to cry on, or some technical advise for example.

Group #2 I make myself available to whenever they express interest in getting together or if I'm at a social function and they are there. I usually don't contact them pre-emptively.

Group #1 I give regular effort to although the people in this group are drifting apart more as we've gotten older. I think that is just a function of age and that it happens to everyone. I am very comfortable with this group of people (6) but I still only desire a limited amount of time with them. Yes I do tire of the effort sometimes and there has also been many times when I regretted making plans with them. I very rarely back out though because I believe the best way to have a friend is to be one. In my mind that means doing what you say you will and being there for them when they need you. I of course expect the same for them.

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Postby SandWshooter » Wed Mar 26, 2014 5:05 am

Real life friends? What the hell are those?
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Maintaining Real Life Friendships

Postby tongue35 » Tue May 13, 2014 3:53 pm

SandWshooter wrote:Real life friends? What the hell are those?


im beginning to wonder this myself..through my teens, i found it somewhat easy to maintain friends, sure there were times id do things when i didnt want to that were draining but no big deal..in my 20s, i noticed i started to begin to stop wanting to hang out with friends as much as i had in the past..i found it tiring and just not as much fun..i found the effort i put into the conversations and 'hanging out' wasnt worth the enjoyment i got out of them..now that im in my mid 30s, i find it extremely difficult to maintain even casual friendships..i have 2-3 casual friendships, i will talk to them once every weeks, never usually hang out or do anything together..i usually dont see a reason to tbh..my introversion has grown strongeth with age my friends!

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Maintaining Real Life Friendships

Postby fufufu » Thu Jul 31, 2014 4:25 am

I've always made friends who it didn't last with.

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Postby tongue35 » Fri Aug 01, 2014 6:32 pm

i just read an article that said it takes around 150-200 hours of social time or just being around another person to really develop a strong friendship, a tight bond...when i first read it, it seemed to big a number but after thinking about it, i think its true...it does take a long time of being around someone, talking to them to start to develop any type of friendship..

maintaining friendships is very difficult...

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Postby Kurtis » Fri Aug 01, 2014 9:30 pm

tongue35 wrote:i just read an article that said it takes around 150-200 hours of social time or just being around another person to really develop a strong friendship, a tight bond...when i first read it, it seemed to big a number but after thinking about it, i think its true...it does take a long time of being around someone, talking to them to start to develop any type of friendship..

maintaining friendships is very difficult...

When you put this into context, it equates to about eight consecutive twenty-four hour days. If you spend four hours with someone a day, it'll equate to about fifty days. Much less than a year so it's not exactly difficult. It's just finding someone worth spending fifty days with. It might be a long time, but with the right person that time will feel like nothing at all. It's not the time that's important at the end of the day, it's what you choose to do with the time that you have which is.

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Postby tongue35 » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:02 pm

When you put this into context, it equates to about eight consecutive twenty-four hour days. If you spend four hours with someone a day, it'll equate to about fifty days. Much less than a year so it's not exactly difficult. It's just finding someone worth spending fifty days with. It might be a long time, but with the right person that time will feel like nothing at all. It's not the time that's important at the end of the day, it's what you choose to do with the time that you have which is.


if you dont work with this person or go to school with them though, how exactly will you be able to spend so much time around them to even begin to form a bond?most of us in our late 20s or 30s have realized if you dont make friends at the work place or at school earlier in your life, the chances of you forming new friends is extremely difficult unless you do a ton of volunteer work or have some other hobby that puts you in constant contact with new people..lets face it, most of us introverts retreat after work or school, voluntarily going to social events outside of work or whatever is not common..

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Postby tongue35 » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:09 pm

When you put this into context, it equates to about eight consecutive twenty-four hour days. If you spend four hours with someone a day, it'll equate to about fifty days. Much less than a year so it's not exactly difficult. It's just finding someone worth spending fifty days with. It might be a long time, but with the right person that time will feel like nothing at all. It's not the time that's important at the end of the day, it's what you choose to do with the time that you have which is.


again, where would you meet this person outside of work or school?have you met any people in real life that you have taken a liken to and decided to spend that much time with outside of forced social interactions places such as school or work?if so, where did you meet them?i just disagree, for an introvert spending that much time with someone new is extremely difficult and taxing, draining.. i know as im this spot in life..

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Postby Kurtis » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:57 pm

tongue35 wrote:
again, where would you meet this person outside of work or school?have you met any people in real life that you have taken a liken to and decided to spend that much time with outside of forced social interactions places such as school or work?if so, where did you meet them?i just disagree, for an introvert spending that much time with someone new is extremely difficult and taxing, draining.. i know as im this spot in life..

Are you asking me personally, or the general board?

If you really and truly need and want to meet other people out there, then frankly it's you that needs to go out and find a means of doing so. We're going round in circles; you ask how introverts make many friends and keep them maintained, introverts (like yours truly) answer by saying 'we don't. We don't need that many friends, we're happy with just the one or two.' You ask 'so how do you maintain this one friend then?' We answer 'by spending quality time with someone, rather than quantity.' You meet these people the same way extraverts do I'm afraid, you might stumble across them during your day to day life (assuming you're outdoors a lot of the time doing something), but you're not going to magically find a random person who will suddenly become best buddies in the whole world to you; the chances of that are like a lottery, they're very much against you. That kind of commitment is based on trust as well and is something that's actually built towards in many cases. It is possible to find a 'soul-mate' and feel like you were friends with them your whole life (even when you technically weren't), but that kind of introduction and interaction is pretty rare in my opinion, for both extraverts and introverts alike. So giving you a hard and fast answer on finding people you'll 'like' is a very difficult task and something only you can really answer. We can give you general guidance but it's up to you in the end what you do with it.

I personally define 'quality time' as something that both individuals enjoy. An extreme introvert and an extreme extravert can get along and spend quality time provided they both enjoy the other's company and what they're doing together. If you both enjoy fishing for example, then there's nothing to stop them from going fishing once in a while. An introvert will appreciate the time spent with the extravert in his company and even the quiet time (if the extravert has learned to be quiet once in a while), whereas an extravert would probably appreciate the break away from his busy life and spending a little bit of time with one of his 'more unusual :roll: ' friends.

I personally have a friend who's actually quite extraverted. We haven't hung out once since I first met him on a course we were both on, yet we both had something we could offer the other. The only contact we have is the occasional text message or phone call once in a while and we say hello, catch up with recent events (something that introverts can usually do easily, given that kind of information is stored and easily accessible to them), find out if there's any help that needs done, and then close down. It's a simple, straight forward example of a friendship. Yes, if I was to hang out with him every waking moment of the day, I would drain out just as he would from my company. That wouldn't be quality time, that's just quantity.

If there's one thing I think you should learn, memorise this phrase: everything in moderation. Start applying it to aspects of your life.

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Postby tongue35 » Sun Aug 10, 2014 2:39 pm

i know its I that needs to make it happen but again i ask for suggestions and i dont get any..many other introverts on here are wanting to know the same thing!i mean, barring school and work where are places where introverts can go where you will spend many hours around other in unplanned social interaction??that is what builds friendships..sorry but the odds of just bumping into someone while im out in the yard or on a walk and making a friendship out of that is highly unlikely...i already know its a very difficult task lol, hence thats why i was asking for some suggestions on what has worked for others but i have yet to see any :) ..judging by the other thread i made on where introverts like to go, i doubt any of would meet anyone doing those things as 95% of the activities were solitary lol..then you mention you met your friend at some course you took, i assume in college? again im trying to think outside of school and work..

yes, quality time is doing something both people enjoy, i agree..most of my friends in the past have been extroverted tbh but its also the reason many of these friendships didnt last, i couldnt keep up socially so now im definitely cautious about meeting those fully-auto extroverts lol...

i honestly am confused by you saying i need moderation..again, i believe we are in different age ranges so i think this has a lot to do with our inability to see where the other is coming from..

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Postby Annie » Sun Aug 10, 2014 2:48 pm

tongue35 wrote:i know its I that needs to make it happen but again i ask for suggestions and i dont get any..many other introverts on here are wanting to know the same thing!i mean, barring school and work where are places where introverts can go where you will spend many hours around other in unplanned social interaction??that is what builds friendships..sorry but the odds of just bumping into someone while im out in the yard or on a walk and making a friendship out of that is highly unlikely...i already know its a very difficult task lol, hence thats why i was asking for some suggestions on what has worked for others but i have yet to see any :) ..judging by the other thread i made on where introverts like to go, i doubt any of would meet anyone doing those things as 95% of the activities were solitary lol..then you mention you met your friend at some course you took, i assume in college? again im trying to think outside of school and work..

yes, quality time is doing something both people enjoy, i agree..most of my friends in the past have been extroverted tbh but its also the reason many of these friendships didnt last, i couldnt keep up socially so now im definitely cautious about meeting those fully-auto extroverts lol...

i honestly am confused by you saying i need moderation..again, i believe we are in different age ranges so i think this has a lot to do with our inability to see where the other is coming from..


Hi! I have recently started volunteering at a heritage centre and have managed to meet a lot of new people. They don't expect me to meet them after volunteering and we are all happy talking to each other whilst working.
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Postby SandWshooter » Sun Aug 10, 2014 10:41 pm

Annie wrote:Hi! I have recently started volunteering at a heritage centre and have managed to meet a lot of new people. They don't expect me to meet them after volunteering and we are all happy talking to each other whilst working.


Last job-->get along with black women also working as cashier and get along with night manager-->everyone else is dicks
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Postby tongue35 » Sat Sep 13, 2014 9:17 pm

all in all it just seems like from an introverts side of things, it takes so much more effort to maintain friendships than it would from another persons angle..i find myself doing things that are draining or that i dont really enjoy doing just to maintain certain friendships whereas to extroverts or more ambivert types, i dont think they have this problem..at least it doesnt seem they do

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Postby RichTales » Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:21 am

I only have one long-term real friend and we've never met in person. I do make, or should I say have people make me their, friends easily. It's always seemed like everyone wants to be my friend and I've never known why. I enjoy communicating online with folks but always want to find a reason to back out for real meetings. I do enjoy the meetings but am always relieved when it's over.

I've been married for over 42 years and don't ever mind spending time with my wife. But, honestly, it's always nice when she goes someplace and I can be alone.


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