Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

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rasmal
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Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2015 10:03 am

Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby rasmal » Thu Dec 24, 2015 11:43 am

I'm seeking open ears and honest and open suggestions. I'm 37 and have been married to my wife for 9 years. We have 3 wonderful kids together. Our relationship have strayed of late and I don't know what to do.
I've always been a quiet guy with a few close friends. Growing up during my childhood years I've always hung out without it being a problem but as I got to being an adult that switch has since shut off!
Aside from being quiet I've now became a really distant person ever since becoming an adult and I've asked myself repeatedly, what is wrong with me? My wife noticed it too and she would ask constantly what's wrong, and I would always reply with "I'm fine". Apparently my new distant behavior bothered my wife enough for her to research my behavior and she have discovered the term "introvert". One day ago about 3 years now I was sitting in isolation from the rest of the family watching football when my wife handed me an article out of the blue about introverts. When she brought it for me to read I immediately asked what's this, and she said "I think you should read it" and so I did. The article on introverts described my behavior to a science and I immediately felt a sense of relief knowing that I'm not the only person alive with the same behavioral patterns.
Like I said this has been an estimated 3 years since I've discovered the term and ever since then I've felt a lot more normal. My family on the other hand thinks different. My wife haven't asked that much if I'm okay because she knows my answer isn't gonna change but I can tell that she is bothered. I've never been that much of a talker before and as much as she seeks daily conversations from me, the most I can ever muster up to give her are short run on sentences at best and shortly thereafter I would rush like a running back to get to another room in the house where I could be all alone.
I don't talk much on the phone at all, in fact my cell phone carrier is making out from me because my average monthly talk time is less than 2 hours and which the bulk of that is talking to my mom who doesn't have a cell phone or else please believe she would be reading texts from me too but I easily sends more than a hundred texts a day. I prefer to communicate via texts and emails as oppose to verbally but my wife doesn't like that. If I can have it my way I would chose to communicate with her via text during the day when I'm at work and unless there's a need to say more than the traditional greetings when I gets home I wouldn't say much but she would prefer the opposite. Of course she would, she's an extrovert like most people are so to get her to understand me and where I'm coming from and be happy with it, that's not happening.
This is the part that's hurting our relationship and I don't know what to do. I would love to continue to be true and honest to who I am but my wife would rather me to be otherwise. In a perfect world I would lover for her to understand me and know that this is just how most introverts are and we generally mean no harm but in her perfect world all she sees and knows are extroverts.
I love my wife and cherish what we have but had I known about who I am prior to starting our journey together, I probably would have never asked her to marry me because me wanting to continue to be who I am are hurting us both. What are your thoughts?

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Daisy
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Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby Daisy » Fri Dec 25, 2015 1:29 am

Welcome Rasmal......

It's difficult but if you want to stay together you're both going to have to compromise. Have a talk with her about it.

Sorry I don't know what else to say, as I've never had a successful relationship with an extrovert.

tongue35
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Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby tongue35 » Tue Dec 29, 2015 2:38 am

Sorry to hear this but in my experience, I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with an extroverted woman..I would be the same way as you Rasmal, exhausted by social situations, fine with sending texts instead of talking..talking on the phone is a killer for me, I simply get zapped when I do it..I get more than enough socializing at work so to come home and have to keep up with an extroverted woman was impossible for me..I have tried numerous times with extroverted women and it ends the same way every time..they always ask "why don't you call me more often?"...or "why don't you want to go out and see my family and friends?"...sorry I have advice but to second what Daisy said..talk to her and try to compromise but it's extremely difficult to get an extrovert to understand us

HarryT
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2015 6:08 pm

Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby HarryT » Tue Dec 29, 2015 6:28 pm

First time I've visited this forum and I can't believe what I'm reading here. This is exactly what I'm going through. I've been married 3 years and have children. I love my wife and kids more than anything.

I found out I was an introvert earlier this year and told my wife about it. I felt like I'd found my identity and that someone had finally understood me. My wife was interested to a point but wasn't really that bothered.

Now when she asks me "What's wrong?" or "Are you ok?" I find myself getting so mad because I've told her about these questions that an introvert should never be asked.

Sometimes I need to be on my own and she still doesn't get it!!!

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Daisy
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Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby Daisy » Wed Dec 30, 2015 3:28 am

Welcome Harry,

You aren't alone, We all understand.

tongue35
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Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby tongue35 » Wed Dec 30, 2015 10:31 pm

Being asked "what's wrong?" Is one of those thing I can't stand..just because I'm sitting in a chair not being highly social, it doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood..i honestly think in junior high school we should have a basic course in personality types..I didn't know what introversion meant until I was around 30 or so

AliciaB
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Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby AliciaB » Thu Jan 21, 2016 5:14 am

It seems to me that you might just be burned out and really need alone time.
Hi.

If you've always been the quiet type and your marriage has lasted this long, I don't think there would be many issues in your relationship.
It's hard for extroverts to understand that alone time means more than one day to yourself but my suggestion would be to stay kind, help out where needed but let her know you really gotta be alone for a while.
Camping solo, or taking a few days away would be a good idea too if you can do it.

rasmal
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Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2015 10:03 am

Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby rasmal » Fri Jan 22, 2016 10:49 pm

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I was unable to reply until now, life scenarios kept me away. I'm so grateful to have stumbled across this website/forum where I can finally express myself knowing and feeling confident that the audience will fully understand my point of view. THANK YOU ALL!
My situation haven't changed at all but I am equipped and intend to steer the course and continue along my quest. I am who I am and I can't help but to be who I am. Thanks again to everyone for listening and I'm humbly grateful for your comments.

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Daisy
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MBTI code: ISFP
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Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby Daisy » Sat Jan 23, 2016 6:37 am

How are things going now Harry? rasmal wishing you good luck.

IntrovertedJiuJitsu
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Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby IntrovertedJiuJitsu » Fri Jan 29, 2016 10:06 am

I don't understand why some of you guys can't take the wife out here and there enough to keep both of you happy, aka compromise. It's like when you went to school or when you go to work. The doctor, dentist, funeral whatever activity it is that will get your ass out the house.

I'm a huge introvert, but I never had a problem taking my ex-wife out. She's an extrovert and I saw situations like dinner dates, movies, beach etc stuff where in the end it was mostly us just socializing with ourselves. Granted at first it was hard but I just powered through. Became a bit easier and fun.

We got divorce because I was dumb and fucked up. She was a huge positive experience in my life. Now that I'm without her I realized that I don't have too many friends and I hardly ever leave the house. My introversion is getting bad where I'm kind of sick of not going out. But at the same time I really don't want to go anywhere because I kinda enjoy being by myself.

However now that I'm alone I do miss her company and well the sex and everything about her. She did not mind staying home with me and my family would always say "You need to take her out more because she's going to get bored in that house and leave you" we would laugh at it but she would say she had no problem she loved the company of her family (We have a son we Co parent).

Any f***ing ways (can we cuss here? First post btw)
My point being if you have a nice girl who puts up with your ways don't mess it up like me.. Appreciate her I pretty much ended the relationship then realized my mistake too late. There's more too it of course but too personal for a forum lol.

Sorry for hijacking the thread lol.. Just vaped a lil and got long winded.

But to you my friend I say man up just like any day in the office and take her out.

rasmal
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Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2015 10:03 am

Re: Being an introvert is hurting my marriage

Postby rasmal » Sun Jan 31, 2016 8:41 am

IntrovertedJiuJitsu,

Thanks for your comment and I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, you sound a bit broken up. I'm sorry if I was vague and wasn't clear enough in my post but the concern with my relationship has more to do with speaking and carrying on a conversation than it does with having a social life. You're an introvert so you should know that we would rather talk less but my wife who is an extrovert would rather talk more and here is where we often clash.
As far as social life goes we do have a social life and enjoy that aspect enough to keep each other happy so again I apologize if I lead you to think otherwise or you may have just assumed on your own that we have zero social life. Again, we also have 3 kids which the oldest is ten so there's only so much social life we both are okay with having while having someone sitting our kids as we are both responsible parents.
However, yes you are right that relationships must have compromise in them to work and we are both working on that aspect of the relationship. Thanks again for your time.


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