Desperately need alone time!

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Benni
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Desperately need alone time!

Postby Benni » Sat May 09, 2015 2:34 pm

I lived alone, happily, for 15 years. I met my hubs, online, through an art site we belonged to -- he is an artist and was an art professor for 30 years, now retired. I am also retired and a digital/computer artist. We dated through visits that I made, every 6 months, to his home. All went well during those visits, we got along really well.

I went through the process of becoming a resident of Canada, which took a year. When it was almost finalized I moved up here to be with him a little over a year ago. We married and my residency became final a few months later.

During the 2 years we "dated" online and in person, I brought up the fact that I am an introvert many times. He seemed fine with it. But, after moving here, I realize he didn't really understand what being an introvert means. I've tried to explain it many times but he's just not getting it.

He is literally sucking the life out of me. Since it’s still winter up here, he can’t go out to do the gardening which gives me some relief. Instead, he is indoors and bored spitless. I’ll be trying to work on an art project or editing a blog I’m starting, or just plain relaxing – and he is constantly wanting me to do something with him. Play cribbage, play cards, lay down and watch TV with him.

I don’t have any alone time and my nerves are strung taut – very anxious which causes me to be very cranky, then he gets mad at me. I try to explain to him what I need, as an introvert, and his answer is “I don’t believe in that crap.”

I’ve shown him articles, on the internet, and he still claims it’s bunk.

What to do, what to do??

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Orientalist
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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby Orientalist » Sat May 09, 2015 3:06 pm

Sounds like Hell. My girlfriend doesn't get it either. We don't live together but she needs to call frequently and talk about absolutely nothing for half an hour - which is torture for me. Even though I'm physically alone much of the time, I'm never really alone.
I find that when we are together, TV or music works well as we both enjoy it and it doesn't involve talking or interaction.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

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Benni
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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby Benni » Sat May 09, 2015 4:33 pm

That's another thing that drives me insane. He has to have the TV or the radio on 12/7 -- never any quiet time! Gr-r-r-r-r!

I'm soooo glad when he goes to bed. Then I have 2 hours of reading time at least and can calm down from the day.

llw14
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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby llw14 » Sun May 10, 2015 11:28 pm

Is there any way for you to negotiate more alone time? He really doesn't need to understand why you need it. He just needs to accept it. You may need to alter your bedtime even more so that you get what you need...or go for walks alone. I'm in a similar situation now but I'm actually ok with spending lots of time with my partner....although I do feel good when I'm home alone as well.

It really does come down to communication, finding a way to balance each others' needs and just accepting each other for what they are. The intro/extro is always a difficult one to manage because the needs of each person are in direct opposition of each other. Whenever I feel frustrated with always going to events, I imagine that she feels just as terrible when I "force" her to have a quiet night at home being lazy.

I think to make it work, you're going to have to accept that you will have less alone time and he will have to accept that there will be times that he's just going to have to manage by himself sometimes.

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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby Daisy » Mon May 11, 2015 5:46 am

Benni wrote:That's another thing that drives me insane. He has to have the TV or the radio on 12/7 -- never any quiet time! Gr-r-r-r-r!

I'm soooo glad when he goes to bed. Then I have 2 hours of reading time at least and can calm down from the day.



I could've written this. Though my husband isn't an extrovert, the TV is on the whole time he's awake. :tv16:

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Benni
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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby Benni » Mon May 11, 2015 2:14 pm

llw14 wrote:Is there any way for you to negotiate more alone time? He really doesn't need to understand why you need it. He just needs to accept it. You may need to alter your bedtime even more so that you get what you need...or go for walks alone.

I think to make it work, you're going to have to accept that you will have less alone time and he will have to accept that there will be times that he's just going to have to manage by himself sometimes.


I am getting a bit more alone time since the winter is finally turning into Spring and he's beginning to get back to his garden.
He does understand that I need alone time, he just doesn't like the label "introvert". Mostly, he is good at going out for a bit. When he does, he turns off the TV/radio so I can enjoy the quiet. There's just been too many days, lately, where he is right over my shoulder most of the time which makes me very anxious/nervous.

We went for a walk together yesterday and I really enjoyed that.

"He really doesn't need to understand why you need it. He just needs to accept it." -- I really like that statement!!

llw14
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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby llw14 » Mon May 11, 2015 2:53 pm

I've noticed that extroverts don't like the term "introvert" as well. For some reason they interpret our attempts at understanding ourselves as a copout or self fulfilling prophecy of some kind; as if we're choosing to label ourselves as "introverts" and thus making ourselves believe that we need our alone time in order to conform to the label that we've given ourselves. If we only knew how good socializing and constant external stimulation was good for us, :violin: . With the way introverts are misunderstood and at times almost discriminated against, I'm not sure why they'd believe that we are willing this on ourselves. As much as I love myself as I am, there is a big part of me that wishes I enjoyed socializing and mingling as much as they do. Lots of benefits from being social.

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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby Kurtis » Mon May 11, 2015 6:51 pm

llw14 wrote:I've noticed that extroverts don't like the term "introvert" as well. For some reason they interpret our attempts at understanding ourselves as a copout or self fulfilling prophecy of some kind; as if we're choosing to label ourselves as "introverts" and thus making ourselves believe that we need our alone time in order to conform to the label that we've given ourselves. If we only knew how good socializing and constant external stimulation was good for us, :violin: . With the way introverts are misunderstood and at times almost discriminated against, I'm not sure why they'd believe that we are willing this on ourselves.

I'm not sure I could hang around with those kind of people. If you've reached a stage in your friendship/relationship with them that you're trying to explain who you are to them and they're just dismissing you for it, then continuing it seems fruitless to me because you'll always be at odds with them.

As much as I love myself as I am, there is a big part of me that wishes I enjoyed socializing and mingling as much as they do. Lots of benefits from being social.

Personal, recent experience has found that I can be socialable in the same way extraverts can be, but the problem I have in that situation is I have a quota. As we talk about different, in a way meaningless topics, I could feel my quota filling up and towards the end I needed to shut-down mentally. The longer I go without contact with other people, the more I can usually take in during random discussions.

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Benni
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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby Benni » Tue May 12, 2015 12:19 pm

llw14 wrote: I'm not sure why they'd believe that we are willing this on ourselves. As much as I love myself as I am, there is a big part of me that wishes I enjoyed socializing and mingling as much as they do. Lots of benefits from being social.


Very good point indeed! Hubs is not a great socializer -- only a couple big parties a year (and I do enjoy those!) and playing cards with his guy pals once a week. He just seems to want me doing things with him all the time.

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Benni
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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby Benni » Tue May 12, 2015 12:27 pm

Kurtis wrote:I'm not sure I could hang around with those kind of people. If you've reached a stage in your friendship/relationship with them that you're trying to explain who you are to them and they're just dismissing you for it, then continuing it seems fruitless to me because you'll always be at odds with them.


Exactly. I've narrowed my circle of friends (and some family members) because of that.

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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby AliciaB » Thu Jan 21, 2016 5:26 am

There is a lot of great advice here for sure, and as it was mentioned previously your husband just needs to accept that you need the alone time. Doing otherwise is just plain disrespectful.

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Benni
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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby Benni » Fri Jan 22, 2016 6:39 pm

Haven't updated this post -- Hubs is doing great now. He understands my need for alone time and respects it. Now that he's retired, he's either outside a lot or -- during bad/cold weather -- he gets bored in the house so lies down for an hour or more for a nap. I'm also adjusting to living with someone, after living alone for 15 years, and we have a great daily routine and are really comfy with each other now.

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Re: Desperately need alone time!

Postby AliciaB » Tue Jan 26, 2016 6:20 am

That's awesome! Glad its working out


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