do you even mention introversion?

For discussions regarding relationships, including friends and family.
scott85
Senior Member
Posts: 128
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:56 pm
MBTI code: ISTJ
Gender: Male

do you even mention introversion?

Postby scott85 » Mon Jan 19, 2015 6:03 pm

once you find the right one for you, do you even bother mentioning that your a introvert?

to me it seems completely necessary. if I don't, they will just say "your quiet" "whats wrong" ect.. I know you guys/gals know what I'm talking about

but really, I have no idea how to make things work anymore. I'm at the point where I'm about to pay a psychiatrist or whatever to get help.

it's hard enough for me to find someone that meets physical attraction, hobbies, ect, then yet alone accept introversion
People that don't understand you can't help you

User avatar
Daisy
Senior Member
Posts: 297
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 2:14 am
MBTI code: ISFP
Gender: Female

do you even mention introversion?

Postby Daisy » Mon Jan 19, 2015 8:09 pm

I didn't have to mention it, as my husband is also one too. Why not see if there is a dating site for introverts to meet? In a public place it should be
easy to notice others who are "quiet". I don't see how a psychiatrist could help you become someone you're not.

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

do you even mention introversion?

Postby Orientalist » Tue Jan 20, 2015 2:39 am

I suppose the problem is that people understand introversion on a superficial level but they don't know what it feels like to enjoy quiet and solitude.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

User avatar
Justwatching
Senior Member
Posts: 131
Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2014 10:53 pm
MBTI code: INTJ

do you even mention introversion?

Postby Justwatching » Tue Jan 20, 2015 10:58 am

scott85 wrote: I'm at the point where I'm about to pay a psychiatrist or whatever to get help.


Yet another introvert, so pressured and shamed for who they are, they believe themselves to have a disorder. *shakes head in disapproval*

Orientalist wrote:I suppose the problem is that people understand introversion on a superficial level but they don't know what it feels like to enjoy quiet and solitude.


Hit the nail on the head. Extroverts can describe what an introvert does, but not why they do it.

In response to the OP's question, yes, I'm up front about being an introvert. I personally don't have the energy nor inclination to lead a Jekyll and Hyde life. Other members have voiced regret at allowing 'extrovert' expectations to be established in their relationships, often leading to conflict and distress. Absorb this wisdom.

scott85
Senior Member
Posts: 128
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:56 pm
MBTI code: ISTJ
Gender: Male

do you even mention introversion?

Postby scott85 » Tue Jan 20, 2015 6:08 pm

"Yet another introvert, so pressured and shamed for who they are, they believe themselves to have a disorder. *shakes head in disapproval*"


that's not what I meant though. I understand introversion, just not how to make it work in a relationship

it seems many people just settle, or go forever without understanding.. I'm trying to go past that
People that don't understand you can't help you

User avatar
SandWshooter
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 530
Joined: Tue Apr 02, 2013 10:09 pm
MBTI code: ISTJ
Gender: Male
Contact:

do you even mention introversion?

Postby SandWshooter » Wed Jan 21, 2015 2:16 am

Nah, I don't like having to explain the concept
Hi, mac!

scott85
Senior Member
Posts: 128
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:56 pm
MBTI code: ISTJ
Gender: Male

do you even mention introversion?

Postby scott85 » Wed Jan 21, 2015 5:10 am

SandWshooter wrote:Nah, I don't like having to explain the concept


I don't either

-The vast majority of extroverts don't care
-If you try to explain, they think they understand in 1 minute
-I rarely find anyone truly interested in trying to understand
-They don't believe you
-ect
People that don't understand you can't help you

Kurtis
Administrator
Administrator
Posts: 346
Joined: Tue Apr 02, 2013 5:42 pm
Gender: Male
Photobucket: kurtisict
Soundcloud: kurtismedia
Contact:

do you even mention introversion?

Postby Kurtis » Wed Jan 21, 2015 11:10 am

I tried to say I was an introvert for a while, but blank looks and conversations slipping to something else very quickly got me to simply say 'I'm the quiet and reserved one.' People tend to understand that, at least the 'I don't want to talk much and like to be left alone' aspect of it anyway. Downside to this though is that people can think you're some depressed loner who just needs a bit of company even though this isn't necessarily the case. Still, there'll be some people out there who just see the negatives in people like that anyway, regardless of how much you try to explain to them. Some simply don't listen.

tongue35
Senior Member
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 12:24 am

do you even mention introversion?

Postby tongue35 » Sat Jan 24, 2015 4:02 am

scott85 wrote:once you find the right one for you, do you even bother mentioning that your a introvert?

to me it seems completely necessary. if I don't, they will just say "your quiet" "whats wrong" ect.. I know you guys/gals know what I'm talking about

but really, I have no idea how to make things work anymore. I'm at the point where I'm about to pay a psychiatrist or whatever to get help.

it's hard enough for me to find someone that meets physical attraction, hobbies, ect, then yet alone accept introversion


im at the point where i also simply cannot maintain serious relationships either..like you said, hard enough to find someone that i like looks and personality wise but then when they find out how introverted i am, it usually ends..everyone on here has different degrees of introversion, mine is extreme and i seem almost incompatible to deal with relationships..not sure what seeing a psychiatrist would do tbh..

tongue35
Senior Member
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 12:24 am

do you even mention introversion?

Postby tongue35 » Sat Jan 24, 2015 4:06 am

Orientalist wrote:I suppose the problem is that people understand introversion on a superficial level but they don't know what it feels like to enjoy quiet and solitude.


yep, people whether they are friends or family they just dont understand that i prefer sollitude over having company most of the time..its not that i dislike them its just i prefer my own company..it creates problems with many relationships imo..

scott85
Senior Member
Posts: 128
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:56 pm
MBTI code: ISTJ
Gender: Male

do you even mention introversion?

Postby scott85 » Sun Jan 25, 2015 9:10 pm

My MBTI is ISTJ

Found out at 30. nobody told me, figured out myself. relief/frustration at the same time

4 years after discovery, much learned, still many unanswered questions.

dating: even if I get past her filter, come to find out she doesn't want a introvert anyway
feel like I should mention introvesion upfront, only introverts care to hear about it
girls run their filter, find out I'm a introvert, friend zone me

how do I make it work, while being myself?

too hard to find anyone that truly understands introversion, and it seems important
extroverts think they understand introverts in 1 min, which is impossible

car hobby, too hard to find one with same interests. feel like I have to settle

It's like finding a needle in a haystack

how/should I filter out people?

do girls really want an asshole?

should I seek only introverts?

I don't like going to bars at all.
library, ect seems lame/un natural to find someone
People that don't understand you can't help you

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

do you even mention introversion?

Postby Orientalist » Mon Jan 26, 2015 4:11 am

Have you tried online dating?
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

scott85
Senior Member
Posts: 128
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:56 pm
MBTI code: ISTJ
Gender: Male

do you even mention introversion?

Postby scott85 » Mon Jan 26, 2015 4:42 am

Orientalist wrote:Have you tried online dating?


ya deleted my account on POF twice already
People that don't understand you can't help you

llw14
Posts: 73
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:06 pm
MBTI code: INTJ
Gender: Male

do you even mention introversion?

Postby llw14 » Mon Jan 26, 2015 4:44 pm

That's the worst site ever. Get good pics (even a photo shoot if necessary) and use eH or real matchmakers. I had over 50 first dates.

tongue35
Senior Member
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 12:24 am

do you even mention introversion?

Postby tongue35 » Mon Jan 26, 2015 5:12 pm

i think the thing is, most women want a charismatic, outgoing man that will take them out and show them a good time..they want a funny guy that will entertain them..an introvert is not doomed by his nature but he is at a big disadvantage as far as attracting women to him unless he has other elements going for him..is he good looking or mysterious or really smart and witty, its almost if an intro has to have 2-3 other really positive traits to make up for his introverted ways...is a shame really..

i have yet to make a relationship work by strictly being myself..ive had to always go out of my comfort zone and be somewhat extroverted more often that i would have liked...i got sick of it and it ended..

tongue35
Senior Member
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 12:24 am

do you even mention introversion?

Postby tongue35 » Mon Jan 26, 2015 5:13 pm

llw14 wrote:That's the worst site ever. Get good pics (even a photo shoot if necessary) and use eH or real matchmakers. I had over 50 first dates.


yeah but how many of those dates turned into anything?i guess its a numbers game like anything else...

llw14
Posts: 73
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:06 pm
MBTI code: INTJ
Gender: Male

do you even mention introversion?

Postby llw14 » Mon Jan 26, 2015 7:18 pm

tongue35 wrote:
yeah but how many of those dates turned into anything?i guess its a numbers game like anything else...

True but in dating the first success IS to land dates...after that it just depends on the chemistry; there's nothing you can do about that part. Most introverts likely won't connect with most people so it definitely becomes a numbers game.

Kurtis
Administrator
Administrator
Posts: 346
Joined: Tue Apr 02, 2013 5:42 pm
Gender: Male
Photobucket: kurtisict
Soundcloud: kurtismedia
Contact:

do you even mention introversion?

Postby Kurtis » Tue Jan 27, 2015 9:03 am

llw14 wrote:True but in dating the first success IS to land dates...after that it just depends on the chemistry; there's nothing you can do about that part. Most introverts likely won't connect with most people so it definitely becomes a numbers game.

Yeah but this is not a problem strictly for introverts. Extraverts also have to worry about chemistry. An easy-going and life-like E won't necessarily get along with a strict, stubborn and moody E for example. The part E's generally find easier that the I's find harder is initiating that first move.

London2015
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2015 8:37 pm

do you even mention introversion?

Postby London2015 » Wed Feb 04, 2015 8:47 pm

I'm wondering if you're finding that "most women" want someone who's outgoing and entertaining because those are the women you're attracted to. Something in their personalities is interesting to you.

I had the hardest time finding a guy I really connected with because I thought that "most guys" wanted a girl who was super thin with long hair who would just laugh at all their jokes. I'm regular size with shorter hair and have kind but strong opinions and I don't want to just be an audience member for some dude.

A therapist helped me see what behaviours of mine were attracting narcissistic guys over and over again. Once I learned to see what I was doing and understood why I was drawn to the cock of the walk guys, I was able to change my mindset and attract men whose values were more in line with mine. A therapist might be helpful for you to tease out things you might be doing that aren't sending the right signals to the right people

Questions for you:
Would you be happy dating a woman who also preferred being alone? Maybe someone you didn't hear from for days at a time - even if it was during a time when you felt like being more social?
If so, where do you think you would find women like that?
Have you tried looking into Love Language groups and trying to connect with women who don't have "time spent together" as a primary love language.
Have you tried dates that create more of a feeling of solitude or that allow for more introspection - something like taking a long hike or going for a long trail ride. Something that gets the two of you together, but doesn't force you to stare at each other from across a table and chat endlessly.

User avatar
Daisy
Senior Member
Posts: 297
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 2:14 am
MBTI code: ISFP
Gender: Female

do you even mention introversion?

Postby Daisy » Wed Feb 04, 2015 10:35 pm

Welcome London2015, you have valid questions.

tongue35
Senior Member
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 12:24 am

do you even mention introversion?

Postby tongue35 » Thu Feb 05, 2015 1:41 am

"if so, where do you think you would find women like that?"

thats the question ive been trying to answr for quite awhile now..i go to bookstores and i meet introverts but they are either the hyper-intellectual, zero sense of humor types or they are the shy, extremely guarded types..the types where you have to ask them 5 questions just to get 2 words out of them..me being an introvert finds this completely draining and not worth the effort..like said, i only have so much social energy myself so..bookstores are the only place i can think of to meet introverted women..

User avatar
Annie
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 280
Joined: Tue Apr 02, 2013 10:24 pm
MBTI code: INFJ
Gender: Female
Contact:

do you even mention introversion?

Postby Annie » Fri Feb 06, 2015 10:15 pm

For a relationship to work you do not need the same interests so your car hobby is something you do whilst she does something else.
I don't like seagulls...

Scottish INFJ

tongue35
Senior Member
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 12:24 am

do you even mention introversion?

Postby tongue35 » Sat Feb 07, 2015 1:37 am

Annie wrote:For a relationship to work you do not need the same interests so your car hobby is something you do whilst she does something else.


well you kind of need some of the same interests at least in the beginning for it to work....

London2015
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2015 8:37 pm

do you even mention introversion?

Postby London2015 » Mon Feb 09, 2015 11:42 pm

tongue35 wrote:"if so, where do you think you would find women like that?"

thats the question ive been trying to answr for quite awhile now..i go to bookstores and i meet introverts but they are either the hyper-intellectual, zero sense of humor types or they are the shy, extremely guarded types..the types where you have to ask them 5 questions just to get 2 words out of them..me being an introvert finds this completely draining and not worth the effort..like said, i only have so much social energy myself so..bookstores are the only place i can think of to meet introverted women..



That sounds incredibly frustrating. Meeting someone who you'd think you'd naturally mesh with only to find out there's a lot more going on than just introvertism. Impressive that you've actually gone up and talked to people at bookstores! I've made many a moment of eye contact with quiet guys in quiet places only to have neither of us say anything. Kudos to you for saying something!

I just heard this piece of advice and I'm thinking about trying it: What about going to busier events, but finding the folks who are engaging with the crowd less. So for example, going to a party with a friend, but trying to strike up a conversation with the other folks who seem to be spending most of their time outside, away from the fray. Or events that are somewhere in between very social and very isolated: outdoor/nature groups, large scale volunteer events where there are a variety jobs -- both outgoing/client facing ones and behind the scenes work as well?

tongue35
Senior Member
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 12:24 am

Re: do you even mention introversion?

Postby tongue35 » Sun Mar 01, 2015 3:44 pm

That sounds incredibly frustrating. Meeting someone who you'd think you'd naturally mesh with only to find out there's a lot more going on than just introvertism. Impressive that you've actually gone up and talked to people at bookstores! I've made many a moment of eye contact with quiet guys in quiet places only to have neither of us say anything. Kudos to you for saying something!

I just heard this piece of advice and I'm thinking about trying it: What about going to busier events, but finding the folks who are engaging with the crowd less. So for example, going to a party with a friend, but trying to strike up a conversation with the other folks who seem to be spending most of their time outside, away from the fray. Or events that are somewhere in between very social and very isolated: outdoor/nature groups, large scale volunteer events where there are a variety jobs -- both outgoing/client facing ones and behind the scenes work as well?


trust me, when i approach women i have to be in a certain frame of mind..i have to be in tune and feeling good that day..i have to be 'on' socially and i have learned that this is something i cannot turn on and off, im either on or not, i cant do much about it if im just not feeling it that day..ive missed out on more than a few possible relationships by being aloof and frozen socially...

well ive been to 2 meetup nature events, so far no women have caught my eye..i just need to consistently throw myself into these groups but for me, this is very difficult..i havent tried volunteering yet..

danaisirta
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Jun 10, 2013 9:34 pm
MBTI code: ISTJ
Gender: Female

Re: do you even mention introversion?

Postby danaisirta » Wed Jul 22, 2015 8:43 pm

tongue35 wrote:an introvert is not doomed by his nature but he is at a big disadvantage as far as attracting women to him unless he has other elements going for him..is he good looking or mysterious or really smart and witty, its almost if an intro has to have 2-3 other really positive traits to make up for his introverted ways...is a shame really..


Funny. I'm a introverted female and have always felt like this in general. Like I had to make up for being so introverted with good looks and good grades. Men do notice me for my looks, but are never interested for long. Probably because I don't put out enough. One guy-friend I winded up being fwb with said he would've been too shy to ask me for my number in a bar. Though he really isn't shy at all. It is a bit frustrating though. They look at me, sometimes talk to me, we get along, but when I see them again a month later they more or less ignore me. Like I hurt them, or nothing happened. Which is kind of a downer for me.

Grace22
New Member
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 7:06 pm

Re: do you even mention introversion?

Postby Grace22 » Fri Jul 24, 2015 7:29 pm

No never, I'm sure people notice. Or the people who just don't understand or just mean people, think something is wrong with me. Hopefully, if I ever her a significant other he would understand and be accepting.

QuietMo
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Oct 12, 2015 3:04 am

Re: do you even mention introversion?

Postby QuietMo » Wed Nov 25, 2015 10:53 pm

I think it's important to educate your partner (if you're attracted to extroverts) about what introversion really means. No, it's not just liking quiet and being shy. It means so much more.

I'm currently reading Introverts In Love which I am enjoying and it's helping me better understand my introversion and how I can make it work in a relationship. There's always give and take from both sides that's important anyway. There's also a site called Quiet Revolution that has articles written by introverts and those are usually eye opening.

But then I've only ever been in two relationships because it's so hard finding someone who fits just right with what you need.


Return to “Relationships”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest