My extrovert girlfriend

For discussions regarding relationships, including friends and family.
User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Wed Jan 14, 2015 10:58 am

So, I met this lady 6 weeks ago on an online dating site, after a couple of years with zero success. Right after I contacted her she sent me her phone number, which is fairly unusual. When I called her, she suggested meeting for dinner the same evening. Evidently, she wasn't the cautious type. We met at some beer garden type place she knew, way out of town, and seemed to get on well. She was attractive and lively, and 20 years younger than me. But at my age, who cares about an age difference?

After a couple of hours at the beer garden, she wants to take me to a music club. I wasn't so keen as I don't drink much and I don't go clubbing. Anyway, I agreed and it turned out to be near a naughty nightlife district that I haven't been to in 20 years. The club itself was OK but it was full of sex tourists and freelancers later on. She didn't seem to care and she actually tried to get me to dance. She would have been dancing on the tables had I not made it clear this wasn't my scene.

Anyway, despite the differences we seemed to hit it off and had a couple more dates. She likes to drink and party. I don't. When she's had a few drinks she talks non-stop. Also, she insisted on hours of Skype video calls which made me feel like I was under surveillance. I was due to go to Myanmar and needed to prepare/plan the trip, but she told me she had a rare few days off work and wanted to spend it with me. So I ended up flying to Myanmar with no plan and just the Lonely Planet guidebook downloaded to my Kindle. Thank goodness I made some notes from it on my first night in Mandalay because two days later the guidebook errored (I got a message saying I should delete it and download from the Amazon cloud) and Internet connectivity was so bad I couldn't download a copy. Throughout the 8 days there I was getting constant Skype calls from the gf but we could rarely hear each other. For three days in Bagan the Internet was down and Skype went mercifully silent.

When I got back home she admitted to me that she owns her own business so she can take time off pretty much anytime. Actually, she has a lot of free time, hence all the video calls. The calls started really pissing me off, so eventually I said "No more." I don't really like all the voice calls and the small-talk, but it's way better than video calling.

Xmas and New Year went OK - much better being with her than alone. I took her to a classical music concert and she enjoyed it. Last weekend we went upcountry and booked a romantic hotel by a river. We spent the days cycling around old temples in a historical park. All in all it was a great trip, and she only talked too much after a few beers in the evening.

Things are going quite well but frankly it's difficult. It isn't just the loss of privacy, it's that her life is chaos. There's another admirer in the background who is now all pissed off. There is her mother and grown-up daughters who don't know about me yet and want to know where she is going at night. And she just found out that her birth control implant expired a year ago...
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

llw14
Posts: 73
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:06 pm
MBTI code: INTJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby llw14 » Wed Jan 14, 2015 4:36 pm

Didn't see a question in there. Since all I've ever had are extroverted gfs I can relate somewhat to this. I find this interesting that someone with grown kids would still be into the clubbing lifestyle. I/E relationships are really hard. The things that energize one drains the other. It's hard to get a balance. My gf has sacrificed a lot in this regard and I'm seeing the effects on her as it manifests itself in the form of constant headaches and unexplained illnesses, irritability and just not generally being as happy as when we first met. It's a constant work in progress to manage the differences on top of the usual differences that couples experience. Make sure that both are upfront in the beginning in regards to what each of you are getting yourselves into.

Off topic: my kindle also gave me that message. I just cycled the power and the book opened as usual. No need to delete and download again.

User avatar
Daisy
Senior Member
Posts: 297
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 2:14 am
MBTI code: ISFP
Gender: Female

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Daisy » Thu Jan 15, 2015 12:45 am

I don't know why we introverts get involved with extroverts, it has never worked out long term for me. I wish you luck. :)

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Thu Jan 15, 2015 3:05 am

llw14 wrote:Didn't see a question in there. Since all I've ever had are extroverted gfs I can relate somewhat to this. I find this interesting that someone with grown kids would still be into the clubbing lifestyle. I/E relationships are really hard. The things that energize one drains the other. It's hard to get a balance. My gf has sacrificed a lot in this regard and I'm seeing the effects on her as it manifests itself in the form of constant headaches and unexplained illnesses, irritability and just not generally being as happy as when we first met. It's a constant work in progress to manage the differences on top of the usual differences that couples experience. Make sure that both are upfront in the beginning in regards to what each of you are getting yourselves into.

Off topic: my kindle also gave me that message. I just cycled the power and the book opened as usual. No need to delete and download again.


My gf is suffering to some extent from what she feels is my lack of interaction. There have been tears. I, on the other hand, find I am uncharacteristically irritable after an hour of small-talk. I feel like I am being pressured, like I can't breathe, can't think. I don't think she really understands this. I can speak her language, but not really well enough to explain complex feelings. I don't really know why she likes clubbing. Her husband died six months ago so perhaps it is a kind of mid-life crisis or a way to get some of the male attention that she lost. That she is a fun-loving sort of person in general seems to be part of it.

One problem is that I can see it will be difficult to make this work in the long-term, so I am content to enjoy the relationship day by day. But she wants assurances that it will last forever. Frankly, I don't know what she sees in me (neither does she!), whereas she is attractive and has no shortage of admirers. Anyway, let's see what happens.

Thanks for the Kindle tip. I didn't think to try switching it off and on again.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

tongue35
Senior Member
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 12:24 am

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby tongue35 » Thu Jan 15, 2015 5:02 pm

may i ask how old are you??

ive dated a few extroverts and they generally are enthusiastic, fun loving people..they radiate energy so to speak, they just love to socialize and be around others..problem is, they start to decline when not in contact with others whereas us introverts are at our best when in solitude..thats always going to be a problem in most I/E relationships..one ive never gotten around tbh..

i dated one girl that was extroverted and she would call almost every day.. i absolutely hate everyday phone-calls especially when we just spent the night together!after a night together, i need a few days away to recharge and plus, i run out of things to say and hate small talk which extros love..this girls also like going out to bars, clubs, fairs anything, just to be out and every place we went, she knew people so that was exhausting constantly meeting people..she was attractive and very nice but i saw the writing on the wall so relationship ended..im sure she is confused but im not...extroverts just cannot understand that introverts can spend days alone without social contact and be fine about it..in fact, they look DOWN on this type of behavior and feel like they are doing us a FAVOR by inviting us places so we 'get out of the house'..all this does is annoy us, i know it does me...

imo, an introvert wont last with a full blown extrovert...but if i were you, id definitely try to get her to understand your boundaries but it will probably only confuse her...

tongue35
Senior Member
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 12:24 am

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby tongue35 » Thu Jan 15, 2015 5:05 pm

"but she wants assurances that it will last forever"

hahaha she seems pretty naive tbh...she also seems very driven to make it work so i dont know..and yeah, u would think extroverted women(especially if they are attractive) would not stick around with introverts when they have plenty of extroverted guys they could be sharing time with..opposites attract maybe, i have no clue..

User avatar
Justwatching
Senior Member
Posts: 131
Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2014 10:53 pm
MBTI code: INTJ

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Justwatching » Thu Jan 15, 2015 9:58 pm

So two people with incompatible interests, needs and personalities get together, and you're like "let's see what happens"?

We already know.

llw14
Posts: 73
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:06 pm
MBTI code: INTJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby llw14 » Thu Jan 15, 2015 11:59 pm

Daisy wrote:I don't know why we introverts get involved with extroverts, it has never worked out long term for me. I wish you luck. :)

Well since introversion is for the most part a male thing it's kinda hard not to. In fact, I think I've only met ONE genuinely introverted female. The majority of the world is extroverted and I'd guess 90% of women are.

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Fri Jan 16, 2015 1:54 am

tongue35 wrote:may i ask how old are you??

imo, an introvert wont last with a full blown extrovert...but if i were you, id definitely try to get her to understand your boundaries but it will probably only confuse her...


Early 60s. Yeah, she knows now that I don't like talking much, but that's about all. I haven't really been able to explain about introverts and extroverts. And she still gets offended if she feels I don't want to see her.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Fri Jan 16, 2015 2:03 am

tongue35 wrote:"but she wants assurances that it will last forever"

hahaha she seems pretty naive tbh...she also seems very driven to make it work so i dont know..and yeah, u would think extroverted women(especially if they are attractive) would not stick around with introverts when they have plenty of extroverted guys they could be sharing time with..opposites attract maybe, i have no clue..


She does have a rather naive and romantic view of relationships. She tells me for her it was love at first sight. The problem is she wants that to be the same for me. I have tried to explain that the way to go is to build a successful relationship, not to moan incessantly that I don't love her. She was married for over a decade and her husband only passed away last year so she is missing that experience of living with a guy, even though she now lives with her extended family.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Fri Jan 16, 2015 2:13 am

Justwatching wrote:So two people with incompatible interests, needs and personalities get together, and you're like "let's see what happens"?

We already know.


I admit it doesn't look good, but our needs are not entirely incompatible. I do want a lasting relationship, and so does she. The problem is that for her I think that means living together, for me it doesn't. I could see a relationship working with her if we weren't living together, but I don't think she's going to buy that. Currently she's telling me that if she can't find her soulmate she's going to go overseas to work. Oddly enough this is the same ploy my mum used to get my procrastinating introvert dad to marry her. :lol:
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Sat Jan 17, 2015 1:22 am

The latest is she wants me to have dinner with (and be approved by) her eldest daughter, who will be visiting from overseas. :shock:
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Mon Jan 26, 2015 5:27 am

Well, the family knows about me now so that's made things easier.

But a nervous tick in my eyelid returned after many years, which is not good. Obviously the stress is getting to me.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

London2015
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2015 8:37 pm

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby London2015 » Mon Feb 09, 2015 11:47 pm

If I may be so bold, what do you like about this relationship?

What you're describing sounds to me, very stressful and like not a good match. It also sounds like she's putting unrealistic expectations on you (eg, wanting to know that it's going to last forever).

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Wed Feb 11, 2015 4:14 pm

She's a very warm and loving person, and I ain't had any lurve for a long time.

It's true she comes with a lot of baggage but we've managed to work out some of the issues. I'm willing to give it a try but I don't think I could ever live with her, which seems to be what she wants.

We are upcountry for a few days now so at least I won't spend this Valentine's Day alone.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

Re: My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Sat Oct 17, 2015 5:06 am

OK, 8 months since my last post and things are going surprisingly well. She isn't interested in clubbing now, and she isn't particularly interested in drinking (which results in her talking non-stop nonsense), which is good. We did a day trip with her daughters and grandchild plus a 2-day trip with one daughter and her friend. Both were fine as I wanted to meet them anyway and the daughters (in their late 20s) spend a lot of time on their mobile phones, so there is no pressure to socialise.

She lives an hour away with one daughter and granddaughter, and runs her shop 6 days a week, so we aren't together a lot. She gets social interaction with her large extended family, and I get to be on my own.

I banned all video calls completely. We generally do two phone calls a day. The evening one can be a chore, because it's mostly small-talk to satisfy her need for communication, but I figure we can't have everything our own way. Forty minutes on the phone is not as bad as 8 hours a day in a job we detest. For the rest of the day we use Line, a Japanese messaging app that does voice messages as well as text and pictures. That way we can express emotions without actually speaking and I can give her encouragement with cute little cartoon pictures, usually featuring Brown and Coney. Like this...

Image

This may seem a bit juvenile, but Asians find it cute and it saves me a lot of boring phone calls.

We do enjoy each other's company. When we are together, she is not particularly talkative. We both like travelling and Buddhist temples. We've done four short trips upcountry and one 9-day road trip. All were a lot of fun. With one or two reservations, I'd rather travel with her than alone. In the past she liked the seaside (I don't), but since her daughter's friend was killed by a box jellyfish a couple of months ago, she's lost interest.

Because of her work and family situation, the icky questions about living together and the "C" word can be postponed for a couple of years. Meanwhile, we are both adapting - her more than me, I guess. I've taken her to classical music concerts and even the opera, and she enjoyed it. The biggest problem is her insecurity rather than the introvert/extrovert disparity. But we are working on that. Yes, there is hope for us!
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.

User avatar
Annie
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 280
Joined: Tue Apr 02, 2013 10:24 pm
MBTI code: INFJ
Gender: Female
Contact:

Re: My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Annie » Sat Oct 31, 2015 12:38 am

Great news!
I don't like seagulls...

Scottish INFJ

User avatar
Orientalist
Senior Member
Posts: 323
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:17 pm
MBTI code: ISFJ
Gender: Male

Re: My extrovert girlfriend

Postby Orientalist » Tue May 24, 2016 4:10 am

Things are moving along quite well. We've done a lot of travelling together, and that's always fun. This year we've been to Cambodia, Laos, and just returned from Japan, where we had a great time. She moved into a new house with her daughter, granddaughter, and a cousin who seems to sleep on the sofa downstairs. She had planned for me to spend a lot of time there, but the lack of privacy is a strain. The 3-year-old has a habit of wandering in at 3am and getting into bed with us, or she wants to play with me when I am trying to read. It's impossible to get a good night's sleep or to get much time for myself.

I've told her that it's better if she comes and stays at my place at weekends. When the kid is a year older and I can talk to her, her place will be a bit more more interesting, although there will still be the lack of privacy.

While we were in Japan we had dinner with an old Japanese guy I've known for decades. He's a nice guy but he hardly speaks any English, so our occasional meetings are rather awkward for me. But my extrovert girlfriend changed all that and we really had a fun time.

I still have a couple of phone calls a day where we talk about nothing important or she makes non-too-subtle references to marriage, but I reckon that's not such a high price to pay for her companionship.
If the truth hurts, you ain't livin' right.


Return to “Relationships”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest